The game

Sunday, Mar. 18, 2007 @ 8:14 p.m.

I miss being in a relationship.

All my adult life, I've never been fond of one night stands, friends with benefits, or stuff like that. I've always been extremely relationship-oriented, and I'm probably one of the very few gay guys in existence who still (hopelessly) believe in "Happily Ever After". My relationship with French Fitch may have ended in utter crap, and I may still be reeling from what was probably the most disastrous setback in my romantic life thus far... but I believe that once everything blows over, I will bounce back to being an eternal optimist. At least, I really hope I will.

But I miss being in a relationship. I miss hanging out with mutual friends on a Friday or Saturday night, having cocktails, introducing the man of my dreams to my friends as my boyfriend, and more than that, being introduced as his boyfriend to his friends. I miss sneaking quick snogs between sips of apple martinis, being held affectionately by him while we talk to people, oblivious to the world around us, and just feeling so incredibly lucky and privileged to be wanted and to be loved. I miss walking along Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood at two in the morning, holding hands, strolling along slowly, and wishing that the walk would never end. I miss waking up next him... having his arms wrapped around me, holding me closer, and snuggling in bed for an hour on a lazy Sunday morning. I miss having a cup of coffee with him while catching up on the news, planning our day, and having a quick smooch before walking out the door and going about our day together. I miss talking and planning the future with the words "us", "our", and "we". I miss the anticipation of coming home after work to an evening with my partner, my confidante, my best friend, my lover.

As of right now, I'm not exactly ready to launch into a full-fledged relationship, but I do miss all the things that come with being in a relationship. I went out with Louis this weekend, and every time I saw a couple being intimate and just being so visibly smitten with each other, I felt like crying.

It's really hard out there. And I feel like I'm just too tired to do everything all over again... the chase, the hunt, the courtship, and all the setbacks that come with the 'game'.

I don't want to play anymore... but I'm forced to face the realization that in order to get what I want, I unfortunately have to.

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