Urban Cadence

The Prude

Saturday, Aug. 01, 2009 @ 4:53 p.m.

There's something that I've been wanting to get off my chest since July 5th... and thanks to my amazing powers of procrastination, it's taken me up till today to actually write it on here. Better late than never, I guess.

So Ex-Marine and I have been dating for almost a year and four months. From the moment we started dating, things just seemed so easy... we get along very well, and things have been very comfortable and smooth sailing. One thing that's kinda strange is that we never talk much about our pasts. We've shared with each other the major things, but as far as past experiences go, we've never really talked much about them. And when snippets of it pop up in casual conversation, it can really knock me off my feet.

This was what happened the night of Sunday, July 5th. We were having a few drinks with friends at Micky's, a popular club in West Hollywood where bartenders are always shirtless and drop dead gorgeous. Ex-Marine talked about how he used to work in a gay club when he lived in D.C. as a coat check boy, and how much tip he would make in a single night. That's all fine and dandy - he's told me that he had a stint as a coat check boy in a club in D.C. long before. That was when he was dating his ex of 11.5 years. But I guess the alcohol loosened his lips... and I swear a blood vessel burst in my head when he suddenly followed it up with how he and his ex would find a third person for a ménage à trois.

My heart skipped several beats.

I mean... I'm not so naive to deny knowing that it's something that many people engage in, and it's especially prevalent in the gay community. But I just never pictured that my boyfriend would have been one of them. He's always been so pure, so honest, and so devoted. He's very relationship-oriented, and even when he was single, he's more of a homebody than a party animal. So when he revealed this little snippet of his past with his ex, it took me quite by surprise.

But anyway, I was gobsmacked, and asked why he would do such a thing. He said something along the likes of "Because that was what [name of ex] was into". At that moment, we got interrupted by a friend who started another conversation, and that topic was dropped.

For the entire week after that, I felt very weird. I really wanted to talk more about it with Ex-Marine, but I had difficulty bringing up the subject. But mostly, I spent most of that week wondering why that revelation affected me that much.

Nearly a week later, on Saturday the 11th of July, we spent the evening at Trunks, my favorite watering hole... just having drinks, and chatting. That was when I told him that I found it strange how we rarely talk about each other's pasts. We talked about several things, but somehow, the topic turned to a trip to Europe that he had made about a year prior to when we first met (he went with his ex-roommate).

Basically, he was single at that time, and went to several cities in Europe. And in all cities but one, he met guys in bars with great success. He said that he made it a point to have loads of fun in Europe, because he never knew if he would ever return there... so he was trying to make the most out of that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity (and apparently, he's very popular with the European boys). One evening in Amsterdam, he and his ex-roommate were in a bar when he started talking to a guy. Later, he found out that the guy was with his boyfriend. Somehow, he got really drunk, and ended up making out with that guy AND his boyfriend. The couple left after a while, and not even an hour later, he was chatted up with another guy, whom he yet again made out with. This guy left after a while. Not too long afterwards, a bartender chatted him up, and a brief European romance blossomed between them. He later found out that the bartender actually had a boyfriend... but Ex-Marine slept with him anyway.

That was a LOT of information that made me feel even weirder. First off, because my ex boyfriend cheated on me and caused me SO much pain, I have since become very intolerant with cheaters. So obviously, I wasn't impressed with Ex-Marine's decision to continue hooking up with the bartender even though he knew that someone at home was getting hurt.

At that point, I told him that knowing those details about his past weirded me out. And it was my fault - he never volunteered all that information. He only told me because I asked, and I really appreciate his honesty towards me. And I know that everyone has a past, and I really have no right to judge him for what he did before he even met me if it doesn't affect our future. And to be fair to him, what he did with his ex happened well over a decade ago. But still, I just couldn't help but feel... weird. I don't know how to describe that feeling. I know for sure it's not envy - I've done my share of slutty things (most that I heavily regret) in the past. I guess the closest I could get would be jealousy.

That was when I finally had the chance to bring up the revelation that he told me the previous sunday - the threesomes that he had with his ex. He told me that they did it only three times, and they were mostly drunk during all those times. I told him that it made me feel weird, and that it was never gonna happen with me. I guess I'm too jealous a person for our sex life to get THAT wild... just the thought of my boyfriend kissing another guy makes my blood boil. I'm very "territorial" with my boyfriends. Or maybe I'm just a big huge prude, I dunno. But the fortunate thing is, he said that he had no desire to go there with me. He said that he has a great time every time we have sex, and he feels no reason nor temptation to open up our relationship, nor does he anticipate feeling any such need in the future. He also said that he felt very happy with me, and that I couldn't be treating him any better (aww!). So I felt greatly comforted by that... and I can only hope that I won't turn out to be too boring for him. I mean, I'm definitely up for doing crazy kinky stuff, but just not with any additional people!

But here's an even stranger thing... knowing about my boyfriend's sordid past kind of turned me on. I really can't explain it... but that night after our conversation, we had the BEST sex that we've ever had (in my opinion). I felt SO much passion, and SO much energy. I couldn't have wanted him more. And that feeling persisted for well over a week. I couldn't stop thinking about him all day. I kept missing him, even though we might have spoken on the phone merely two hours ago. I couldn't stop thinking about doing naughty stuff with him. IT WAS BIZARRE.

So yeah, I can't really explain it. I wish I knew a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist who could tell me what was going on. On one hand, knowing about his wild sexual past turned me off and made me mad with jealousy. But on the other hand, his attractiveness to me increased tenfold.

Best I can explain it: It was like in the movie "Grease" when Danny didn't want Sandy that much, until she had that "bad girl" makeover at the end... and then he couldn't have wanted her more (incidentally and perhaps ironically, "Grease" is Ex-Marine's favorite movie). I've always thought of Ex-Marine as this pure person with a squeaky-clean past... and now I've found out that he wasn't that simple plain and predictably boring person. He was a greatly desired person, he was exciting, and he was definitely not boring. And I guess that induced some sort of "territory marking" physiological response in me, that I suddenly felt a huge desire to make him mine (even though he was already my monogamous boyfriend - but you get the gist).

Thinking about what he did with his ex still makes me feel weird... and I wonder if that feeling will ever go away. When we meet and date a person, whoever that person is will ineluctably have a past. And because we're all imperfect humans, we would all have done things that our partners may not agree with. Relationship therapists are always talking about how important it is to communicate... but is there such a thing as too much communication? Are there some things that are better left unshared? And if there are, then how can we truly and deeply know the person that we're with, since it's our past experiences that ultimately shape who we are today?

Or am I simply a bigger prude than I thought I was?


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