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Monday, Oct. 08, 2007 @ 11:18 a.m.

I came back from my Vegas trip with JAG late last night. I still did not get the answers that I was looking for. Instead, I got the answers that I needed, so it really worked out for the best.

I'm gonna start on Friday evening. I did the usual, went out for my TGIF bar-hopping spree, chatting and drinking with friends. I was hoping to run into JAG, of course. I sent him a text message asking where he was several times... and I kept getting "Where are you?" back as a reply. He does this when he's drunk. But anyway, just slightly before midnight, he texted me again, telling me that he was at the pizza parlor next to the bars. I had just bought a drink at Motherlode, so I told my friends to watch my drink and that I would be back in a bit.

I met him at the pizza parlor, and he was indeed quite drunk. He asked me to spend the night with him. I obliged (Duh). Needless to say, I didn't go back to Motherlode. After doing the nasty, we went to bed at around 1:30am. Woke up the next morning at 9am. I ran home to pack for the Vegas trip, and we went on our way around noon.

Now, Vegas...

We talked a lot. And they were mainly great conversations. I didn't get the answer to my question of "Are you interested in me or not?", but I got the answer that I needed: "Even if he's interested in starting something with you, it would never work out". And I feel surprisingly content with that answer, as much as I am still very physically attracted to him.

Here's how I arrived at that epiphany. On Saturday night, we went for a sushi dinner, which was really good. We walked around the Las Vegas strip, and had a drink at the Bellagio. I think we had the best conversation I've ever had with him over there. Around midnight, we headed out to the clubs. After talking even more, I don't remember how the topic of monogamy came up, but he basically said that I was too ridiculously idealistic to believe that monogamy can be possible between two gay men. I remember asking him, "What makes you so sure that I'm being idealistic as opposed to you being jaded?". I don't remember his response. But it was just a discussion about monogamy in general, and it wasn't a heated or offensive argument at all. Basically, I got the clear impression that if he ever gets into a relationship, it's definitely gonna be an open one. And that's quite a major dealbreaker for me, so whatever I hoped to have with him became instantly moot.

While I don't deny that monogamy doesn't apply to perhaps the majority of gay couples, I don't believe that it's such a myth as JAG thinks. Are men pigs? Yes, and no. Some are, and perhaps even most are... but not all. That'd be like saying all blondes are dumb. It's a stereotype, but there are definitely exceptions out there. I'm a man. I'm not a pig. In all the relationships I've ever been in, I've been 100% monogamous. It is a realistic possibility. Does everyone think like me? Heck, no. But if I know that someone like me exists (i.e., I exist), then I believe there must be others like me out there. JAG basically told me that one day I will change that opinion. I honestly think that I can change that opinion as much as a leopard can change its spots.

But anyway, that was the biggest hint I received (even though nothing was directed at me) that it would never work out. We're just gonna be good as friends, albeit friends who have slept together, and that's the best possible deal. I also discovered that we actually have very different personalities. He has an extremely strong personality, quite an extreme straight-shooter who says everything he wants to say without pulling any punches, and has very strong convictions about defending his opinions (making himself impervious to any possibilities that he may be wrong, even when presented with valid arguments from other people). And I am quite the exact opposite in many (albeit not all) aspects.

He's also all about being gay and being surrounded in gay environments. Everywhere he goes, he needs to go to places where gay people are around. He likes to immerse himself in gay bars and clubs and circuit parties all the time. While I enjoy being in gay environments myself, I am perfectly comfortable being in the straight world. If I am with someone that I like or love, we could have a drink in a straight bar, and I wouldn't give a damn. Of course, we wouldn't make out and stuff, but that's not what we'll be going out for. To me, it'll be about the company, whether friends or lovers, as opposed to constantly being a male peacock displaying his feathers (and looking at/hitting on other people who are also displaying theirs)... which is essentially what JAG subscribes to.

Another big hint that he viewed us as nothing more than friends was the way he kept checking people out in front of me and asking me "Do you think that guy is hot?". There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it's just not done if you're on a date with someone. So at that point, I knew that we weren't on a date. Okay, fine. Then I'm going to talk to other people too (just talk, not flirt, 'cos I'm actually quite capable of thinking with my head that has the brain in it instead of the other one).

We went to another club called Piranha. There, he started talking to people and getting all flirty, doing that dance where he rubs his ass against the other person's crotch. At that point, I wasn't even offended anymore. He'd made it clear that we were just friends going out on the town together. We're not a couple. It would be foolish and even unreasonable of me to take offense to what he was doing, so I didn't. I struck up conversations with other people, drank, and had a good time. However, towards the end of our evening (it was about 4am), he came up to me, asked me if I was doing okay, and said, "That guy wants me to dance with him. Is that alright?".

I was caught a bit off guard with that question. I mean... why would he ask me that? He didn't need my permission. We're not a couple. I said, "Go knock yourself out", and continued talking with people. A bit later, he came up to me, took off his shirt, pulled me to the dance floor, and started dancing dirty with me... y'know, crotch grinding and grabbing and stuff. I was quite drunk and apathetic at that point, so I just played along. After all, he is a damn hot specimen. We headed back to our hotel soon after.

He must have been really drunk, 'cos immediately after washing up, he fell asleep. I did the same. I don't know how long I was asleep, but sometime during the night, I awoke to him grabbing my dick and rubbing his (enormous one) against my thigh. I was horny, so off we went again. I fell asleep in his arms, thinking to myself that this could very well be the last time I was going to sleep with him. As I succumbed into slumber, a pang of bittersweetness hit me.

Woke up Sunday morning, had lunch with one of his friends who was in town (who was out in the bars with us the previous night as well), shopped a bit, and we went to his friend's wedding (which was the point of the Vegas trip in the first place). As I sat there in this beautiful outdoor ceremony, listening to the minister uttering words of love, fidelity, and sanctity, I could not help but notice the irony and stark contrast to our conversation the previous night about monogamous relationships. I sneaked a few glances at JAG when the minister was speaking, hoping to catch a glimmer of cynicism or blatant eye-rolling... but I could not see his eyes through his shades. No matter, I thought.. for I have already figured out what I needed to figure out from him. And although not quite the answers I was looking for, it was the answer that I needed: Even if he wanted it to happen, it could never be.

We drove back after the ceremony, and I got home at around 11:30pm. I was exhausted for so many reasons. But one thing was clear: I am definitely no longer infatuated with JAG the way I was before the Vegas trip. Whether it was because of the epiphany that struck me, or perhaps because I had just spent an entire weekend with him, I do not know. Why did he feel like he had to ask me if it was okay if he danced with someone else? Was it because he knew of my obvious attraction to him and was considerate enough to care about how I would feel? Or was it because he liked me on some level (whichever level he's capable of) himself? Again, I do not know. But it really doesn't matter anymore at this point. As long as you get the important answers, not all questions in life have to be answered.

JAG is different, but I certainly wouldn't say that he's a bad person at all. None of his beliefs or actions are bad or malicious. In fact, I hold on to my opinion of him as a great and fun guy whom I have great conversations with. He hasn't done anything whatsoever to hurt me intentionally. He would make a great friend, whether with or without benefits (probably without at this point forth), and I look forward to nurturing that friendship with the satisfaction of knowing that I had mindfully arrived at this conclusion myself, as opposed to just acquiescing to someone elses' actions as I had foolishly done so many times in the past.

And that's the answer that I needed.

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