No pressure at all

Monday, Jun. 20, 2005 @ 6:42 p.m.

Been a while since I last updated. Well, generally that means nothing particularly interesting has happened that's worth writing about.

Finals have come and gone, though. There's no feeling quite like the one you get as you walk out of the exam hall the last final of the term. I guess this now officially makes me a senior. I should be happy that I'm close to graduation, except that I don't wanna graduate. I wanna keep doing this academic thing, 'cos I love learning. And also 'cos I'm not sure what my post-grad plans are gonna be like, and that uncertainty really frightens me. Now that the quarter is over, I'm going full steam ahead in preparation for the damn MCAT... which is only exactly 2 months away. Yikes.

If I don't do well, it'll probably mean that I'll get accepted (if even that) to some rinky-dinky medical school in some unheard-of city far away from LA. And what that means is... my relationship with French Fitch is probably gonna be a problem. None of us believe that long-distance relationships work, and my post-grad plans are pretty much gonna be what makes us or breaks us apart. I really hate that my love life, along with my academic future, is in the hands of admissions committee people who don't know me and therefore (in my opinion) can never issue a 'verdict' that's even close to accuracy. French Fitch has a career here. I can't possibly even wish for him to move with me to wherever I go... but I also don't want this relationship to end because of this. It'll be so tragic to leave a relationship that's going so well and could go on for a long time... all just because of some reason beyond our control. I don't like not having control over my own life.

Basically, there's only one option - that I kick ass on the MCAT. Failing that, I lose my dream academic career at my dream medical school and my love life with my dream guy. Why is my life sounding more and more like a reality TV show? These aren't my stakes. I didn't put any of these things on the gambling table. Why don't I have control over my life??

Sigh. I'm tired of this crap. First there was all the stress of getting into Dream College. Now not even a year after I'm attending Dream College, I'm going through the entire subject-to-approval-by-total-strangers process all over again. Is this struggle for approval from others never gonna go away?

Enough of this depressing rant. As far as I'm concerned, I guess there's only one way to go, and failure is simply not an option. Thinking about it only drives me to the asylum.

Still, "failure is not an option"... well, that just totally relieves all the pressure on me, huh?

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No pressure at all