Salt

Tuesday, Dec. 04, 2007 @ 10:29 p.m.

A week ago today, New Guy ended things with me. The days that followed it were pretty crushing. But I'm doing better today, and it's largely because of the crazy/strange weekend that I had.

Brace yourself, 'cos it's a long and windy story (that gets REALLY weird, especially Saturday night). It was quite a weekend.

Friday

Before the breakup, we'd made plans to go to this Japan expo in downtown LA. Of course, plans that we'd made prior instantly became iffy after the breakup, but I still wanted it to happen. I never saw New Guy since Tuesday, and I missed him so much that even though it may have been masochistic, I just had to see him and be with him (the heart pays no attention to logic and sensibility). So on Friday, I had a brief chat with him online, asking if he was still going to the expo (He's going to Japan with his neighbor over New Year's, and wanted to learn more about Japan beforehand). He said he was indeed going with his neighbor on Saturday. I asked if I could tag along, and he said, "Yea come on along". He said he would call me when he woke up, and we'd hit the road. He also said that he would call me after work, but that never happened. I expected just as much. That evening, I hung out with Louis whom I hadn't seen in ages. As usual, he was full of consolation and comfort.

Saturday

I told myself that I would sleep till his call woke me up, but I woke up at around 10am and couldn't fall back asleep. My mind was kept awake with "Will he call like he said? Won't he call? Why hasn't he called?" crap. As much as I hated it, I couldn't turn those thoughts off. This was a BAD idea. I really shouldn't rub salt into my wound, and I shouldn't be seeing him until I get over him. But around 11:30am, he called. I got ready and zipped over to his place. While waiting for his neighbor (who was our wheelman), we chatted. Friendly banter. It was very unnatural for me at first, because c'mon... we've had more intimate conversations than that. But it didn't seem unnatural to him at all. He seemed happy. As if nothing sad had happened between us a few days ago. He seemed to have already settled in the 'just friends' zone in practically no time at all. Was it an act? I couldn't tell.

His neighbor arrived, and off we went. We had a great time at the expo. I decided that I would get to know New Guy as a friend and person today instead of a romantic partner. And from previous experience, knowing someone as a person/friend is QUITE different from knowing someone as a boyfriend. So we just went around the expo and had fun. We laughed a lot (mostly at the thick accents of the exhibitors - heh). He expressed that he was very interested in hitting the gay bars in Tokyo while they were there, as well as how he thought Japanese guys were so hot to him. That stung, but I welcomed it. I really needed ammunition to create enough resentment for me to get over him. Salt on wound, good in the long run.

After the expo, we decided to make Saturday 'Japan Day', where we'd do everything Japanese (or at least Asian). We went to Little Tokyo, and took in the Takashi Murakami exhibition at the Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA). The show was fantastic. After that, his neighbor dropped us off at New Guy's place. The neighbor said that he was going to a club called Buddah Lounge that night (hence keeping with our Japan Day theme), and asked us to go along. New Guy immediately said yes. I was hesitant - I really didn't need to be going to a dance club and face the possibility of seeing New Guy getting it on with ~~sluts~~ other guys. Not so soon. So I just said "Maybe". The neighbor asked New Guy to convince me to go, and he left. We went back to his bedroom, fixed some cocktails, and played poker. New Guy was going to a play alone in Little Tokyo that evening, and at some point during the poker game, he asked if I wanted to join him. My brain screamed "No", but my mouth shot out a reflexive "Yes". We ordered in for dinner (sushi - it's Japan Day), and left for the play, which turned out to be surprisingly good (It had received mixed reviews).

After the play, we were hungry, so we went to Korea Town for dinner in a place called "Beer Town". That place was a riot - lots of items in the menu were hilariously misspelt, and we ate lots of stuff that tasted great, but we were completely unaware of what that stuff actually was. Greatest of all - they served beer in glass columns (think giant test tubes). We laughed so much at that place. It certainly reminded me of how much fun hanging out with him was.

The Question

At some point during dinner, I wanted to ask him a question I'd been wanting to ask since last Tuesday. After not seeing him for the past 3 days and missing him and mourning the end of our (albeit brief) relationship (if you could even call it that), I wondered if he felt the same thing. So I asked him about his past string of relationships. He'd date someone for a while, they'd break up, and he would find someone immediately after, sometimes the same night (he called me up 20 minutes after his previous partner dumped him). How could he do that? Didn't he need time to get over each previous relationship? Didn't he miss his exes at all?

His answer: No.

He followed it up with "I think I'm heartless. I actually think I'm heartless. And it's beginning to catch up with me".

To him, breaking up is merely a change of status from 'boyfriend' to 'friend'. The only difference is that they're not romantically involved anymore. The friendship, the emotional connection they share... everything remains, and therefore it's really not a loss. That person is still there in his life. He still cares about that person, but it's not really considered a loss. He would be bugged if an ex said that he never wanted to see him again, but he can make the boyfriend/friend transition pretty effortlessly.

Which explained a lot for me. He hadn't been putting on a friendly act the entire day we'd been spending together. He was friendly.

He'd been crushed after a relationship just once - his very first boyfriend. After his first boyfriend dumped him, he was reduced to a sobbing and hysterical mess for weeks. And that was the last time he actually grieved a relationship ever since. I think that the first experience had traumatized him so much that he'd build some sort of emotional fortress. He would date for the sake of dating, and with that emotional blockage, he would never get anywhere. After dating a whole string of people, I came along... but he'd gotten so burned out at that point that he just wasn't feeling the romantic feelings for me that people in the beginning stages of relationships should be feeling. He lost his libido. He actually said that the last thing on his mind these days is sex. Which is very untypical for him - he was quite a horn dog. He would want sex twice a day. Hell, he'd even participated in threesomes before.

I was sympathetic, but at the same time, a sense of closure came over me. I have heard what I needed to hear. While the fact that he's a great guy and loads of fun to be with remains, he's definitely not relationship material. At least, not in his current state. He said that what he needs right now are friends, not boyfriends. He had grown into such a codependent person that it's now taking a toll on him... which I'd have to admit is true. One of the biggest things I was mourning over was the thought that we had something between us. I thought that we had a lot to work with, and breaking up was like pouring a $5,000 bottle of wine down the drain. But now I realized... what we had between us could easily exist in the realm of friendship. We didn't have a $5,000 bottle of wine after all. The five weeks that we were together meant something very different to me than it meant to him. We had what was essentially a friendship... and that's still very much there. It wasn't the big loss that I thought I was.

The Club

It was half past midnight when we'd wrapped up our dinner. At this point, he'd just assumed that I was going with him to the club, and I simply acquiesced for two reasons: I wanted to continue hanging out with him ('cos I was having such a great time), and I wanted to jump start my hanging-out-as-friends frame of mind. The latter was foolish, I'd admit - it's obviously too soon for me, and just because he's already there doesn't mean I should be there as well. But I already had been drinking intermittently for 8 hours, so my judgement had clearly been impaired.

We arrived at the club, but his neighbor was nowhere to be seen. Guess he flaked after all. We had even more drinks. He ogled at guys. I reveled in the pain that this 'salt' felt on my 'wound'. It's painful, but I would heal faster. Absolutely masochistic and self-destructive, but it didn't matter to me at that point. He saw one of his exes, who obviously wasn't over him yet. New Guy tried to say 'Hi', but that ex gave him the cold shoulder. New Guy was clearly affected - he can't stand the thought of having someone out there hate him like that, especially someone he'd been together with. I secretly smiled, knowing that if I ever needed to cause him any pain, I would know what to do. I was irrational at that point. He couldn't figure out why his ex would be so mad at him. I told him that it was to be expected, because he's still obviously hurt. I told him that not everybody gets over relationships as quickly as he does... the hurt lingers on for some time. At that point, he knew that I wasn't just talking for his ex. He seemed surprised. He said that if he'd thought that I wasn't over what happened between us, he wouldn't have hung out with me that day. I told him not to worry about me... I'm a big boy and I can take care of myself. He was clearly uncomfortable with where the conversation was going, so he changed the subject with "Let's dance". On the way to the dance floor, however, he turned to me and said "I'm sorry". I smiled. I put on a gung-ho act by saying "Don't worry about me, I'm a big boy", but I was secretly pleased that he actually cared enough to apologize.

The Weirdness

We danced. He ran into a friend, who was his partner-in-crime when they trolled around for threesomes before. This friend had another friend with him. At some point, those two guys sandwiched New Guy on the dance floor and started doing the crotch bumping-and-grinding thing. They lifted up New Guy's shirt, fondled and caressed him. Yet another guy joined in, and there were now the four of them, bumping and grinding and touching in a train.

More salt. Yes. I tried to embrace it like a vaccination - clearly painful, but necessary.

The weirdness ensued. His friend pulled me towards them, and I had somehow joined that perverted congo line. What was I thinking?

Hey, I can play this game too.

At one point, New Guy and I were facing each other, sandwiching a guy between us. It was weird. But New Guy kept reaching out and touching my arms. And my hands were on nobody else except for New Guy. At another point, I somehow got turned around and the guy we were sandwiching migrated to the end of the train. New Guy was directly behind me, his crotch grinding against my butt, his body rubbing against mine. His friend was facing me, bumping his crotch against mine, pinching my nipples through my shirt. But what was on my mind the most was the fact that I was so physically close to New Guy. When he broke up with me, it caught me completely off guard, that I didn't know that the last time we were intimate was in fact our last time... our last kiss, our last embrace, the last time we slept together, the last everything. But this was my (albeit perverse) chance to have that last close bodily contact. This was my chance to say goodbye.

After a while, I came to my senses. This perverted congo line was way too weird for me, with New Guy in it and all. So I got out of it, and went to the bathroom. When I returned to the dance floor, New Guy got out of the line, and went to the bathroom as well. When he returned, he asked me if I wanted to go. Of course I did - I was so done with that place and everything that had happened. It was two-thirty in the morning.

The Night

New Guy was quite drunk. I had sobered up somewhat at that point (which was deliberate, since I had to drive). While we were walking to the car, he asked me if I had fun. I couldn't exactly call it 'fun', so I said "Yeah, although it was quite weird". He couldn't walk steadily, so he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and said "I need some stability". I put my arm around his waist, and we walked like that to the car. Once again, I took it as my last chance to walk with his arm around my shoulder and my arm around his waist. We would do it all the time while we were dating. This was my chance to say goodbye to that. He reached his right hand under the collar of my t-shirt and playfully grabbed my chest and pinched my nipple. Goodbye. We got into the car. I drove. He put his hand on my right thigh, and I reciprocated by putting my right hand atop of it, holding it... again, something we would do all the time in the car when we were together. Goodbye.

We went back to his place. He wanted a night cap, so he went into the kitchen, but returned with two drinks. Since we weren't together anymore, I couldn't sleep over. I had to drive home. So I just took a couple of sips from the glass, not intending to finish it. I sat at his desk, burning a mix CD for myself on his computer before I left.

He started stripping down. I thought that it might have been a hint that he wanted to pass out, and that I needed to leave. But after he stripped himself down, he started stripping me down. I asked him if he wanted me to stay or go. He whispered "Stay". So we slept together that night. Goodbye. Throughout the night, he would spoon me, but I resisted from spooning him. I knew that he wouldn't be doing these intimate things with me if he weren't drunk, and I didn't want him to think that I misunderstood his actions; that I still wanted to be with him. I didn't want him to become weird and awkward around me, for I still wanted his friendship, as well as maintain the connection that we still apparently share. Whether he became intimate with me - as if we were still together - because he was simply drunk, or if his true intentions/sentiments towards me had been liberated by the disinhibiting effects of alcohol, I do not know. But for my own sake, I have to assume that it's the former. As for him, I think it's become quite clear that he certainly would like to be with me, but his current state of mind and all his issues are preventing anything substantial from happening.

He had done the right thing by breaking up with me last week.

Sunday

We woke up at noon. I was a tad apprehensive about how New Guy would react after realizing that we'd spent the night together - something that he made quite clear that wasn't going to happen again when he broke up with me last week. But he didn't seem the least bit surprised. We remained in bed and talked briefly while listening to music, and he suddenly remembered the perverted congo train from the previous night. I told him I thought that it was very weird, and he agreed with me, but not before saying "Certainly something I'm gonna remember!" (Though I think he meant it as a weird memory as opposed to a good memory). We realized that we hadn't finished our drinks from the previous night, so we just started where we left off. It was barely noon, and we'd already started drinking. I knew I was engaging in self-destructive behavior, but I didn't care. I was having too much fun, and I was having it with him. He broke out the Monopoly board, and we played. I had never beaten him at that game before. After a while, his best friend came over, so we put our game on hold, and chatted.

Now, New Guy had hung out with one of his (many) exes on Friday night, and for some reason his ex got a hold of his credit card and forgot to give it back to him. So New Guy called that ex, asking him to come over and hang out with us, at the same time returning his credit card. But the ex wanted to meet New Guy alone. Guess he wanted to talk or something. He tried to get New Guy to meet him at the park, but New Guy said he couldn't just desert me and his best friend. That ex ended up driving over to the apartment, but didn't come in. He called New Guy, and New Guy went out to meet him. After a few minutes, New Guy returned, and said that his ex had basically told him that he can't hang out with him anymore, because he still had feelings for him (What is it about New Guy that makes him such a Don Juan??). I asked New Guy how he responded to his ex. New Guy replied that he basically went, "Oh, okay." That's it. He was bothered by the fact that yet another ex doesn't want to talk to him anymore, but he didn't appear to be bothered by the fact that he would never see that particular ex again.

This was yet another dash of salt on my wound. Yes, things definitely worked out for the best for me. New Guy clearly has too many issues to work out before he can embark on a healthy, equal-sided relationship.

Anyway, the best friend suggested that we went hiking on Mount Hollywood... and off we went (New Guy and I were both buzzed from the booze, but his best friend was sober, so he drove us). This is the kind of spontaneity that I really enjoyed about spending time with him. We hiked all the way to the top, and enjoyed the spectacular view of Los Angeles and the valley as the sun set. On our way down, we stopped at the Griffith Observatory for a quick peek. We then went to buy some take-out Thai food and ate back at his apartment. It was around 7:30pm when we'd finished eating, and I was quite tired, but that wasn't the end of the evening. We went to a movie with one of their friends ("The Savages", which was super). After the movie, New Guy, his best friend and I went to soak in a hot tub at the best friend's boyfriend's apartment complex for about an hour or so. We left around 12:30am.

The best friend drove home, and I was with New Guy in his bedroom once again. I thought that it was gonna be the end of the day for me, but New Guy suggested that we finished the Monopoly game that we had started. We fixed ourselves a couple of drinks, and I beat him for the first time. I'd never beaten him at that game before while we were together (he's very good at it), but now that we're no longer dating, I finally did... I think there's something strangely poetic in there somewhere. Anyway, we drank even more after the game and had a great conversation. We watched an episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" and laughed our asses off at hilarious YouTube videos. At around 4am, he started fading out, so it was really time for me to leave. I tucked him in and said good night (he was already half unconscious at this point), and just as I did, he held my hand and whispered, "Kiss my hand". I did, bade him goodnight, and let myself out.

It was nearly 4:30am when I got home. I got ready for bed, and was asleep within 10 minutes.

Sure, there were things that I probably shouldn't have done over the weekend, but on hindsight, I'm glad I did... save for the dirty congo line. That was seriously weird. However, spending the entire weekend with him as a friend showed me that the things that I thought I was going to miss about him (his spontaneity, his sense of humor, his great taste in music, the great fun in hanging out with him) could also exist in the realm of friendship. There's no loss that a relationship between us couldn't work, because he's simply not relationship material, not at least for the foreseeable future. Even if we'd forced ourselves to stay together, it simply wouldn't have worked. We truly are better off as friends. It's best.

I spent the weekend covering my wound with salt. It hurt at times, but I'm going to be better for it. It's gonna take still a little bit more time for me to completely get over him, but I'm well on my way. And waiting for me at the end of that tunnel is a great friendship.

It's best.

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