It's not you, it's me

Thursday, Nov. 29, 2007 @ 3:13 p.m.

New Guy
October 21st, 2007 - November 27th, 2007

Two days later, and I'm still hurting pretty badly. I still cannot figure out why I'm reacting this badly to the breakup when I've only gone out with him for barely 5 weeks (5 weeks and two days, to be exact).

Here's something that I haven't disclosed in my journal: The whole time we dated, we never had sex. We fooled around and did other kinky stuff, but there never was any boinking action.

At first, I thought he was just wanting to take it slow. He later told me that he wasn't sure why we haven't had sex, because he was usually quite a horn dog. It certainly wasn't from a lack of trying on my part. I would try to instigate things, but the most that would happen is that we would end up sucking or jerking.

This issue was raised on several occasions. I was trying to determine if he simply wasn't sexually attracted to me or otherwise, but he said that that wasn't the case. He just lost interest in sex, due to reasons unbeknownst to him. I thought that maybe it was just a funk that he'll get through, so I just pressed on anyway... because I had already grown to like him A LOT at that point.

Then came this past Tuesday. Everything was great, we were gonna go catch a movie ("Enchanted"), but because the show times weren't favorable, we got dinner instead. Then while driving back to his place, he said "I wanna talk to you".

Uh-oh. Nothing good ever follows those five dreadful words.

He told me that over the past five years, he had only been single for probably a total of four weeks. He would date someone, he would spend every waking minute with him, he would get bored, and he would find some reason why that guy wasn't for him (even if totally contrived) and break it off. That very same night or the next day, he would find someone else, and embark on another relationship. In fact, after the last guy he dated before me dumped him, it took him only 20 minutes to call me. And off we went. He said that it's quite clear that he has some codependency issues. He could never think about himself as one, it's always him and his boyfriend. And it's gotten to the point where it's become a habitual routine, in that he would get into a relationship right after another one just for the sake of it. He's not even sure of what he's doing anymore. And because he never had that cooling off period between relationships, he believes that it's taking a toll on him, which is manifesting itself as a loss in sexual interest, as well as the romantic feelings that he should be feeling with me as we're dating. He feels that when we hang out, it's more of a buddy feeling than a boyfriend feeling to him... and perhaps to fix his state of confusion, the only thing for him to do is not be romantically involved with anybody for a while so that he can get back to being whole by himself.

I asked him what he wanted to happen after this conversation. He said that he wasn't sure, that he's so confused, and he wants to know what I thought. I said that it really didn't matter what I thought, because it sounds like he's holding the trump card. If he wants out, then there's really nothing I can do, much as I want him to change his mind. I can't force him to feel things that he can't.

It came so suddenly, and caught me completely off-guard. I was stunned. At the same time, I realized that there were things that simply weren't working between us. I saw it too. He just brought it up before I did. And I had to appreciate his honesty. He said that he liked me a lot too, but he couldn't let things drag on since it would be unfair to me. We would be in a relationship where I'm putting more into it than he is, and it would only end up hurting me.

Well, too late - the hurt has begun. It was at this point that I realized that I liked him quite a lot more than I thought I did. In fact, I might already have been in the beginning stages of falling in love with him. This has got to be why I'm feeling so hurt right now, even though we've only dated for five weeks.

I am in such pain right now. I can't stop thinking about him. He even appears in my dreams. I just want to be with him so badly... but I know that's not possible.

The last time I felt anything like this was in January, when French Fitch dropped the bomb on me. Perhaps that's another reason why I'm taking this so badly - it just brought back all those horrible feelings from back then. I have never opened myself up as much as I did with New Guy ever since French Fitch. I thought it may finally be time for me to take a dip in the deep end of the pool again, and look what happened.

I like him so much. I don't know how I can stop feeling this way.

I know that I will recover from this with time (and lots of alcohol). I know that I will eventually get over it. I just can't stand the fact that there's absolutely nothing I can do to alleviate the pain I'm feeling right now. I'd just have to ride it out, but it's such a painful ride.

It's times like this when I wish I didn't have a heart. You can't break what's not there.

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It's not you, it's me