I'm so stupid

Monday, May. 28, 2007 @ 5:21 p.m.

I am stupid. Oh, I am so so stupid.

No matter how hard I try to tell myself that things can never go anywhere with Chris, I can't friggin' get him out of my head. It's like my heart is impenetrable to rational logic or something. Arrggh, why am I so darn stupid??

So I went out to have a drink at Trunks on Thursday night, and he was there. Afterwards, Chris, myself, and another friend went to a diner to grab some food. Good fun. It was nearly 4am by the time we left. And at the end of the evening, Chris gave me a few good night kisses. I didn't really expect that, since he's been giving me really mixed signals recently, whether intentional or not. Some nights he's very affectionate with me, and others he's very distant. I don't think he's playing games... I think it's just him. He's like oblivious or something. But anyway, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I really enjoy spending time with him. Yes, I'm so very stupid.

On Saturday, myself, Phil (Louis' ex) and Phil's current boyfriend took Louis to the Palm Restaurant for his birthday. It's not Louis' birthday until this Wednesday, but we celebrated it Saturday. It's an excellent restaurant... quite pricey, but I guess you pay for substance. We went out to the bars after that. Since I'd started drinking at dinner, I'd gotten quite drunk by the end of the night. After exchanging goodbyes with Louis, I started walking to my car with the intention of sleeping the booze off before driving home. But along the way, I passed Trunks, and who should be outside but Chris. He saw that I was drunk and insisted that I spend the night at his place. Of course, I bit. Did I mention how I'm so very stupid??

We slept together... literally. We didn't have sex, but there was some... umm... fondling and lots of cuddling. I'm not gonna lie, I enjoyed the closeness. But therein lay another classic Chris mixed signal... I'm pretty sure he doesn't help out all his drunken friends by allowing them to share his bed with him (or does he?). So what exactly is it that we're doing? I have absolutely no clue. We woke up the next day at about 2pm. He had to work at the restaurant at 5:30pm, and I wasn't in any hurry to go home, so we hung out at his place for a few more hours. He drove me back to my car on his way to work, and I got home only at about 5:30pm. I had plans with Louis again at 6:30pm, so I got out of the clothes from the previous night, showered, gussied up, and was back out and about in an hour. I'm quite the Energizer bunny, aren't I?

I'm being a good boy tonight, staying in watching TV. I have to admit that part of the reason why I've been going out so much lately is because I'm crazy about Chris. Which is really... well, stupid. But Louis thinks it may not be a bad thing because it's got me distracted from crying over my failed relationship with French Fitch. He thinks it's the lesser of the two evils. Be that as it may, I am fully aware that nothing good can come out of my thing for Chris. Do I wish that things could be different? Sure I do. But I know it's just wishful thinking on my part, and I need to knock some sense into my heart because if it drags on, I'm going to end up seriously hurt. Again.

Gawd, I am so so stupid.

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I'm so stupid