Butterflies

Tuesday, May. 01, 2007 @ 10:22 p.m.

So I have a "date" tomorrow with Chris. I put "date" in quote marks because I'm not sure if it's one. He's gonna be meeting a friend in the area tomorrow evening, and we made plans to meet up afterwards.

I keep telling myself not to make a big deal out of it. Thanks to the events that have transpired recently, I have grown to be a lot more cynical than I used to be. I have a sneaking suspicion that what's gonna be happening tomorrow is that I'll call him after I get off work (as per the plans we made), but he won't answer. I'll get his voicemail. I'll leave a message, but he won't call me back. And I'll end up spending tomorrow evening on my couch, where I spend most of my evenings, feeling like such a tool.

Yep, I've definitely grown a lot more jaded since French Fitch and that idiot Miguel. Thank you all so very much... I used to be brimming with optimism and hope. Ugh.

But yet... at the same time, I find myself strangely nervous about tomorrow (should the "date" actually happen). I'm having a major case of butterflies in my stomach. It's definitely something I haven't felt in a long time... but I'm trying very hard to suppress it because if my cynical side ends up being correct, I'll only be setting myself up for a huge disappointment and a bitter evening on my couch. I'm such a mess... I can't believe how much I've allowed other people to change my outlook on life. I really need to watch that from now on, before I become even more bitter and end up growing old alone as a miserable misanthrope.

I'd be lying if I said I'm not at all hoping that my plans with Chris tomorrow comes through, though. I'm not looking or planning for anything. I'm not avoiding it, I'm not opposed to it, but I'm also not expecting or hoping for it. It would be very nice just to have a pleasant evening out with an attractive guy, drinking and sharing good conversation, and some snogging if things move towards that direction. I'm craving intimacy and close physical contact with someone other than Smelly Cat. I love Smelly Cat to death, but somehow it's just not quite the same!

Well... I guess we'll know how everything goes in about 24 hours from now. Wish me luck!

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