Hate potion #9

Sunday, Mar. 25, 2007 @ 12:17 p.m.

Getting used to being single again is great, with the freedom and all... but it sure gets lonely.

Louis got a raise this week, and I feel so happy for him. For years, he got really bogged down by his depression and was unemployed. He lived off his credit cards and self-medicated via alcohol. Which was pretty amazing in itself, 'cos he lived that way for over 5 years! But last year he finally mustered enough energy to get a job, and now he currently holds two. With the jobs, he got health insurance, and is finally getting the anti-depressants he so desperately needs. At his second job, he was promised a review in May, but last week, his boss loved him so much that it got pushed forward and he ended up with a raise. Talk about going from zero to hero!

Anyway, to celebrate, I took him out to dinner on Friday night, and we went out to Motherlode for a few beers. He had to work the next day, so it was a pretty short affair. Dinner was wonderful though, it was a Brazilian restaurant called Bossa Nova. It's not ritzy at all, but their food is simply wonderful. No fancy bells and whistles, just plain ol' mouth-watering cuisine. I used to go there a lot before I met French Fitch... me and my ex (whom I have come to affectionately call Idiot von Schi�er) would go there for dinner almost every weekend before going across the street to The Abbey for their kick-ass apple martinis.

I've been reminiscing a lot about my life before French Fitch recently... and I miss that a lot. I had a rather large circle of friends, and I would have plans every single Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Life never got boring. As long as I had the energy to go out, I would surely find someone to go out with. We would laugh, we would drink, we would dance the night away.

Contrast that to today, when the only real friend I have left is Louis. Ever since falling for French Fitch, I've distanced myself from all those friends that I used to have. And because French Fitch's ex cheated on him, I willingly helped to rebuild his trust by giving up all my friends... so that I would be with him 100% of the time, and he wouldn't have any reason to doubt my dedication to him. Little did I know that 3.5 years down the road, he would cheat on me the same way his ex had cheated on him. And everything I gave up, I did so for naught.

I felt so lonely last night. I could have gone out, but since Louis wasn't available, and I didn't want to go out alone, I stayed in thinking about how pathetic my life has become. I used to be the life of the party... and now I'm beaten, bitter, jaded, and alone. Couldn't really blame French Fitch for all that, because it was my personal choice to burn all my bridges for my greatest love. He never once demanded that I gave up my social life for him.

But yet... after all is said and done... there is not a day that passes without me thinking about French Fitch and whispering to myself, "I wish he was mine again". I don't know if the motivation behind that is my love for him, or my loneliness. Probably both.

Many people wish that love potions existed. There are even many songs written about that coveted impossibility... but what I wish for right now is a hate potion.

I don't want to be plagued by love any longer.

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Hate potion #9