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Urban Cadence

Not worth it

Monday, Feb. 19, 2007 @ 4:28 p.m.

There is no such thing as karma. "What goes around comes around" is something people say simply to comfort themselves without realizing that the comfort is only an illusion. People tell us to do good things not because we can expect good things to happen to us in return. Nope. They simply tell us that so that we allow them to walk all over us, and by the time we realize we've been crapped all over and say "Hey, what happened to my reward?", they'll be long gone and we'll just be talking to our foolish selves.

I just found out that French Fitch had a very special guest during Valentine's Day week. It was none other than the guy that the cheated on me with in Paris. How romantic... he flew all the way over here just to spend Valentine's Day with him.

My point? Once again, I've allowed myself to be crapped on. I did everything good to him during our 3.5 year relationship. I gave him everything he wanted. I cooked for him, I let him vent his frustrations on me, I showered him with gifts, I remained 1000% faithful to him, and I gave up all my friends for him just so he wouldn't have any reasons to suspect that I'm cheating on him. Even at the face of his bizarre decision to move out into a house that had no room for me, I held on to the bitter end. I designed much of the house for him, helped him choose his furniture, and even allowed him to put a big amount on my credit cards.

And then he cheated on me and shattered not only my heart, but my ability to trust people. Everything that I'd given him over the years, my dedication and commitment to him... all blew up in my face. Instead of the good things that I deserve, I got a big huge pile of shit on my head.

What did he, the bad guy in this fairy tale, get? If it were a fairy tale, you'd expect him to get his just desserts... perhaps realize what he's lost and live a miserable life of guilt. But this is reality... he gets to walk off into the sunset with the very guy that he cheated on me with. And looking the way he does, he will never run out of guys throwing themselves at his feet. Whatever he wants, he gets. When we first got together 3.5 years ago, his ex had just cheated on him and he had major trust issues. I nurtured and repaired him, only to now send him off into the arms of someone else. I even helped him fix up his "love shack" to screw other people in. And while he is moving on, I get panic attacks when I get even slightly intimate with other people.

For all the good things I've done, where are all the good returns that I should be getting? Shouldn't I be the one riding off happily into the sunset instead of wallowing in a huge pile of shit? Where's karma when you put it to the test? Why did I give everything only to end up with nothing... and why does he get to walk away with everything after having completely screwed me over??

It doesn't pay to be a good person in this world. Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. That's why unscrupulous and corrupted businessmen keep getting richer while humanitarians usually die in poverty and suffering.

Where is karma or god or any 'higher power' when justice is screaming to be served?

They're all up there pointing and laughing at what a fool you are, that's where.


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