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Urban Cadence

24 hours later

Wednesday, Jan. 17, 2007 @ 11:41 p.m.

I'm in a state of absolute disbelief.

After last night, all I've been feeling is numbness... but I've realized that it's not really numbness. It's a whole plethora of emotions going through me all at the same time... sadness, grief, sorrow, a bit of anger, and most of all, disappointment. I just thought it was numbness because I've never experienced anything like this before.

I feel completely lost. I don't know what to do with myself. When I'm at work, but I can't concentrate on anything. I can't talk to anybody. Don't feel like being there, but I have no place else to go. Don't want to go home, because I'm going to be alone there with nothing to distract me, and everything around... even the programs and ads on TV... will remind me of him and how I can never turn back the clock. And I can't go running to him, for obvious reasons. Although I can't stop, crying doesn't make me feel better. I can't go anywhere. I just wish I could disappear.

I have never been cheated on before, and if I had to experience it at least once in my life, he was the last person I'd expected it to come from. I know he probably thinks that it was not exactly considered cheating because things had already turned sour a while ago... but it was... simply because I told him that I would never give up on us until he did. Which meant that I was still in the relationship, holding on to every last remaining bit I can salvage, hoping foolishly that things could take a turn for the better. He may have felt that it was already over when he responded to that guy flirting with him, but a relationship does not end when just one person decides it is. He had the basic responsibility to at least inform the me that he'd decided to give up, much more so if he cared about me as much as he said he did. He even promised me that he would let me go before he did anything else.

But he broke that promise.

He betrayed me.

I've always feared that the day would come where we would part ways, but more than that, I never imagined that he would betray me. He had many moments while he was screwing that guy to think about what he was doing. He had many chances along the way to do damage control. It's not like shooting a gun, where one millisecond is enough to do the job. Even though he said that he didn't plan on it, he executed the act completely to the end. Not that things would have changed if he didn't, but at least I could have taken comfort in the fact that he did all that he could to protect me from the hurt.

I wish our relationship had ended merely because we weren't meant to be. It would still have been painful, but not as painful as it is now. It would have been bittersweet and at least dignified, not tinged with the stench of betrayal. He said that he would never do anything to hurt me no matter what. He said it himself. He was the only person in my life. If I were on a hijacked plane and I could only make one phone call before the plane crashed, I would have called him. I trusted him so much more than I've ever trusted anyone before. I would honestly have trusted him with my life. I really did not think that things would end like this. The thought of him being intimate with someone else is killing me even more than the fact that the love of my life is over. I just can't get that horrible image out of my head. I'm absolutely devastated.

Was it worth it?

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