The End

Tuesday, Jan. 16, 2007 @ 11:41 p.m.

Well, the day that I dreamt would never come is here. It's over.

He was on a week-long trip to Paris last week. Towards the end of the week, he grew extremely distant, responding only if I communicated with him first. Since he returned, he's been more distant than we've ever been.

I guess I knew deep down in my heart that something must have happened. But being the na�ve and idealistic loser that I am, I ignored my gut feelings and fabricated a ton of optimism.

Then tonight came. He sent me a text message, saying that the wanted to come over to my place tonight. Without wasting much time, he dropped the bombshell...

He'd slept with someone while he was in Paris.

He said a lot of other things immediately after that... but I was too dumbfounded to listen. It was like someone had dropped a ton of bricks on my head... and my heart dropped like an anvil.

He was out at a club. Someone hit on him. He did not resist. It was early morning, January 12th... the exact day of our three-and-a-half-year anniversary.

In tears, he kept telling me to please not hate him. I did not even know what I was feeling at that point... I only felt numbness. It is easy to blame the failure of our relationship to his infidelity... but in truth, he was probably unfaithful because our relationship had been over months ago. Still, that did not make the news easier to swallow. The thought of someone else kissing him... being intimate with him...it was just too excruciatingly painful. A big part of me wished that he'd lied to me, and simply told me that it was over because it wasn't working out between us anymore.

I told him a long time ago that if he ever felt the need to go with someone else, that he would have the decency to break things off with me before he did. Obviously, he broke the promise. No use feeling angry about it... it's already been done. The disappointment is overwhelming.

I feel like I'm in another world right now. I'm completely numb, and I've cried out all the tears that I have. I have not eaten anything since 2pm, but I've completely lost my appetite. I'm sitting here, at a complete loss of what to do.

For three and a half years, I've revolved my world around him. I gave up almost all my friends for him. And at this moment... just a huge void. Vacuum. Nothingness. I don't feel angry or sad. I simply don't feel anything.

Just before he left, he returned his key to my apartment. Strange how an innocent brass key could evoke so much emotion. After he left, I broke down once again after looking at the key.

I just want to be in a coma and not have to deal with anything at this moment.

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