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Urban Cadence

Picking up the pieces

Thursday, Dec. 14, 2006 @ 11:13 p.m.

It's been four days since he moved out. Needless to say, I miss him tremendously.

I am still not used to the emptiness of the loft yet. It's been incredibly sad to come back everyday to what used to be a happy home. Each day, as the sun sets, my spirits sink into an abyss, as I realize that I no longer have someone to come home to... so much that I have grown aversed to coming back home. It's just very painful to be here, but I have nowhere else to go. There's absolutely nothing else I can do.

French Fitch has been trying to get me to go over to his new house. I miss him so much, and would like very much to just see him and hug him and kiss him... but doing so would only make me hate coming home even more. It would only make getting used to living alone a lot harder. So I told him that I can't go over... at least, not yet. I have not seen him in three days. It hurts a lot, but I know it is something I have to do. I have to get used to coming back to this empty place... and I cannot keep on feeling aversed to come back to my own home. He's apparently done what he thinks he needs to do by moving out. Now, I need to do what I need to do.

He keeps saying that he's not that far away, which is true... but I don't get that if we miss each other, why must I go over? Why can't he come here? I realize that he is still busy everyday with unpacking and can't come over as yet. But I simply cannot make things so easy for him when it's hurting me so much. He decided to move out. I cannot go out of my way and make this move easy for him when it's extremely difficult for me. He has dealt a tremendous blow to me, and it is only natural that I need to heal.

Still, I cannot stop fantasizing that he would come through that door any moment with all his boxes, saying that he's made a mistake and wants to move back in with me. It's a very impossible scenario... he's bought a damn house, and he can't just return it to the store like a pair of shoes. Yet, I can't help but keep replaying that wish in my mind over and over again.

I guess it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of tears before I get used to the fact that he doesn't live here with me anymore... that the picture of a happy family that I had in my idealistic mind has effectively evaporated.

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