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Defeat

Monday, Oct. 17, 2005 @ 11:17 a.m.

Well this past weekend certainly was interesting. And not in a good way, either.

My MCAT scores were released Thursday night... and I was devastated. They weren't good. It was even worse than my worst expectations. They were not even close to the range that was expected of most of the schools I was hoping to apply to.

Now, this meant more to me than getting into medical school. The moment I saw my dismal score, I immediately thought to myself that this meant the end to my relationship with French Fitch. Why? Because no schools in California will go crazy over that score. It would mean that if I were to still miraculously get into some school anywhere, it would put hundreds or even thousands of miles between us.

I could not help but burst into tears at that moment. I felt like I ruined it. I had the one chance to save my relationship... and I blew it. French Fitch keeps consoling me and telling me that it's not true, but I honestly think it is. Needless to say, Thursday night was horrible. I felt like I wanted to fall asleep and not wake up for a long time. French Fitch didn't sleep a wink all night, and we were still very emotional the next day, cycling between tears and consolation.

Still, application deadline was midnight Saturday. I was reluctant to go ahead with my application at first, but later decided that I had nothing more to lose. My GPA is decent, and so are my extra-curriculars... if not for the damn MCAT score, my application would be at least competitive. So I sent them out anyway... still hoping that I might get a lucky Vegas strike. I may be setting myself up for even more disappointment, but at this point, I feel as though I can't get any lower.

I still can't fathom how some stranger sitting in an admissions office can have so much power over the lives of French Fitch and I. My future and our relationship are completely in their hands. How can we not have a say in this? How can we be so damn helpless?

Why does it have to be so hard?

So tired of it all...

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