Navigate

Contact

Credits

Urban Cadence

Joyeux Anniversaire...?

Sunday, Jun. 05, 2005 @ 12:10 a.m.

As of ten minutes ago, it is officially French Fitch's birthday. The confetti would be coming down and the wine glasses would be clinking... if he was here.

Well, he's obviously not here. He's out in downtown right now, partying with some of his friends that he hasn't seen in a while. And I'm here. At home. Studying. On a Saturday night. On his birthday.

No, he didn't exactly ditch me. A few days ago, I knew that I had a pile of papers to write that was due on Monday. I wanted to spend French Fitch's birthday with him all day, so I told him that I would need to be working all day today. And tonight. To make sure that I could spend the entire day tomorrow with him, see. So he made plans with friends to keep him occupied today, which was perfectly cool. I never expected him to be cooped up at home all day while I buried my face in #@$%ing homework. So he scheduled a dinner meeting tonight with one friend that he hasn't seen in a long time. All fine and dandy, 'cos ever since we met, we've been pretty much the only person in each other's lives. I know that it's unhealthy. I've grown distant from many friends, and so has he. We both want to preserve our circle of friends, and his catching up with long-lost friends tonight while I worked seemed like a great idea.

But wouldn't you know, one thing led to another, and his friend dragged him to meet with another group of friends after dinner. So for the past few hours, he'd been partying in some club downtown with them. And I'm over here right now, feeling... weird. I'd planned on being the first one to kiss him and wish him a happy birthday at the stroke of midnight, and clearly, that's not gonna happen. For some reason, I actually feel angry and ditched. I know that he didn't exactly ditch me, but I just can't help but feel a little... betrayed. That he's out having fun on his special day without me.

I called him at exactly 12 midnight, but he didn't answer. Figures, of course... clubs are noisy. But when he didn't pick up, a sudden pang of anger and sadness hit me. It's his special day, so shouldn't he be spending it with the person he loves, i.e., me? Technically, I still have the rest of his birthday to spend with him tomorrow, but still... that special "stroke of midnight" celebratory feeling is just gone. He called me back 5 minutes later and told me that he was having fun (to be fair, he hasn't been out partying with his friends ever since we got together). I wished him happy birthday, he thanked me, and told me not to wait up if I felt tired.

Not to wait up...

A second arrow shot through my heart when he said that. See, I'd prepared a little surprise for him, and our living room is filled with balloons and nicely-wrapped presents, with a bottle of wine in the fridge and fancy wine glasses waiting just for him. I thought he was going to just have dinner and come back, so I set everything up after he left... and he just told me not to wait up, because he was going to be out later than he'd planned. I know that he has no ill intentions whatsoever, but... somehow, I can't help but feel like a groom who got ditched at the altar.

Maybe I'm just co-dependent, I dunno. I can't figure out for sure what I'm feeling right now. I'm just not happy with the current situation, and nobody's to blame for it... which makes it even more frustrating. I know he didn't plan tonight's events, and he couldn't possibly have known to be back before midnight 'cos he didn't know about my little surprise, and I couldn't have told him about the surprise 'cos it wouldn't have been a surprise if I did, would it? And now I'm in such a negative mood, and my mind is wandering in directions that it shouldn't go to. What if he gets drunk? What if he meets someone else? What if someone else takes a fancy to him, and he's drunk? - AAARRGH. I know those thoughts are irrational and uncalled for. I know that our relationship is strong and I do trust him completely. But the illogical part of my brain just won't SHUT THE HELL UP.

But what else can I say? I'm disappointed. I wanted this hour to be so much more special for the both of us. But at the same time, I'm also feeling like a selfish bastard, because this is his first time out hanging with his friends in a long time, and I shouldn't feel any animosity whatsoever about that. I'm just an utter mess right now.

Guess I'll just have to wait with all the balloons and presents till he gets back...

PreviousNext

Recent Entries

Yoohoo... - Wednesday, Dec. 23, 2009
The Prude - Saturday, Aug. 01, 2009
Filler/Teaser - Friday, Jul. 31, 2009
Rest in peace, Squeaky... - Sunday, Jun. 21, 2009
California - where discrimination is legal! - Tuesday, May. 26, 2009