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Last entry of 2004

Friday, Dec. 31, 2004 @ 11:31 a.m.

Well, it's officially the last day of 2004. In fact, at the time that I'm typing this entry, it's already 2005 in most countries around the world. Right now would be the perfect time for those countries to look at America and say "That is so last year!".

Anyway, moving on from the bad joke. I always feel a little choked up on New Year's Eve. I'm a pack rat by nature, and I tend to keep everything I have, just "in case I need them again in future". Which almost never happens... UNLESS I throw something out. Then the next day, I'm gonna find myself needing that one thing that I just threw out the previous day. It never fails. But I digress.

It's this pack rat mentality that I possess that makes me miss 2004 and feel sorry for all the years that have passed, because they're never gonna come back again. It's weird, but I just have separation issues with stuff, including non-physical things like years. Whenever I look at old photos and notice the dates they were taken, it never fails to make me a little sad that it was so long ago.

If I were to psycho-analyze myself, I'd say that it's because I fear the future more than anything else. Thus, with each passing year, I feel like I've lost my "safe zone". There are many, many reasons why I fear the future, and that's largely because it's so uncertain. If someone asked me where I see myself in 5 years, it would send my pulse racing... because I honestly don't know. Of course, I have ideals and goals and dreams... but I'm also very aware of the myriad of other things that could come in the way of them. For one, I'm afraid of what's gonna happen to me after I graduate from Dream College. Ideally, I want to attend medical school in the same college. But what if I don't get in? What if I only get accepted by some other school far, far away in another state? It's not so easy to move, now that I'm in a serious relationship with French Fitch. So if it comes down to deciding between my love life and my academic life -- both of which are different aspects of my future -- what do I do? How could you possibly choose between your career and your soul mate? What if I choose love, and (knock on wood) it doesn't work out eventually, and I find myself so far away from my intended career goals? And what if I choose career, and I later realize that I've inadvertently given up the greatest love I'll ever have in my lifetime, along everything that comes with "what could have been"? It's hard enough being gay, even in this "modern" society... I don't think I want to live it alone.

I'm terrified of the future. Most of the time, I just block it out from my conscious thoughts and "live by the moment". It brings me comfort and consolation.

So yes, I'm finding it hard to say goodbye to 2004, even though I realize it's not a living, physical entity. Once again, I'm leaving my comfort zone and stepping into uncertainty. I realize that I can't keep myself in a shell for the rest of my life. Future, progress, trials and tribulations... that's the theme of life. With every bad thing that the future brings, I can't ignore the good things that it also brings. And 2004 has brought me tons of good things... so why should 2005 be any different?

Happy New Year, everyone. I wish you all the very best that the future could possibly bring.

Goodbye, 2004. You were good to me. Just tell your friend 2005 to be gentle, alright?

See you next year, everyone!

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