I like big bucks and I cannot lie

Tuesday, Aug. 03, 2004 @ 12:27 p.m.

I want a convertible. But dammit, the good ones are always way too expensive.

I used to go ga-ga over the Ford Mustang convertible, but that was until I found out what great big pieces of shit Fords were. And then, there was the second-cheapest muscle car convertible that I had a brief crush on, the Pontiac Firebird. I know, what was I thinking, eh?

The whole concept of convertibles just doesn't make sense to me. They're practically made with half the material than a regular car, but instead of their costs being nearly half, it's almost nearly double. Less material, higher costs. Hmmph.

The other thing is that convertibles are young, hip cars. I mean... they're suited for young people, at least in my opinion. Think Beverly Hills 90210. But when I'm finally gonna be able to afford one, I'll probably be old, bald, and have a beer belly that'll permanently conceal my crotch from my sight. So what's so attractive about old, balding, fat guys driving a sporty convertible around? I mean... what's up with that??

In the heterosexual world, if you see a guy like that driving, say, a Ferrari convertible around, we all know that the girls that he'll attract are only after his wallet. And of course, that guy will be so delusional that he'll actually be convinced that those chicks really love him for who he is and what he looks like. (Right, Mr. Hugh Hefner?) And to him, the rest of us are just 'jealous'. If only he knew.

And while we're on the subject of "Mr. Playboy", isn't being a playmate simply a glorified, higher-paid version of a hooker?

But see, it's perfectly alright and legal because a 'playmate' is not a 'hooker', and if you've got big bucks like Mr. Hefner, you can go on believing that you have a harem of blond bimbos who're with you because they 'love' you, and it's not illegal prostitution anymore.

It always boils down to the dollars and cents, and unfortunately for me, all I have are the cents.

Eighty-seven, to be exact. Damn. I need to make a trip to the bank. Soon.

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I like big bucks and I cannot lie