Blue Christmas

Monday, Dec. 24, 2007 @ 10:04 p.m.

It's the night before Christmas, and I'm sitting here at home, alone with my cat, munching on leftovers. Yippee.

This is the first time in seven years that I'm spending the holidays all by my lonesome self. I've always spent it with a boyfriend in the past... we'd either be at a dinner/cocktail party or we'd be hosting one. Stark contrast to this year.

The loneliness really does get to you at this time of the year... I don't know what it is, but being alone at this moment just feels especially bitter. All my friends have either travelled home, or are spending time with their families.

French Fitch, my ex of three and a half years who ripped out my heart nearly a year ago by cheating on me, is on a trip to Paris to visit That Thing's family. Awww, how sweet. He cheats on me and gets a boyfriend out of it, and they even have an anniversary coming up soon. He's definitely the O.J. Simpson in this story. Me? I got nothing. I thought that I had something going on with New Guy, but that ended up breaking my heart as well.

If life were a class in college, I would have done everything necessary to secure an A+. I have been the best person that I can be, I have given myself unconditionally to the people that I've loved, I have remained completely faithful to them, and I have been nothing short of nice, loving, generous, and understanding. I have done all the "homework" and lived everything in the "textbook". But somehow, I keep getting F's instead of A's. Time and time again.

Gawd, I'm feeling so depressed right now. I feel so angry at all the injustice that has been done to me, but there's nobody or nothing I can channel that anger at. This isn't like the legal system where you can sue and attempt to right the wrongdoings that has been committed against you. This is life. There is no justice system. There is no justice, period. There is no universal balance, and there is no mysterious force ("karma") maintaining that balance. If there were, French Fitch would be the one who's alone, and I would be the one with someone whom I deserve to be with. I would not still be in debt. I would not have my credit file ruined for years and years to come just because I helped him out of love. New Guy wouldn't have turned out to be a lost person full of complicated issues; instead, he would be the ideal guy for me. And I wouldn't be spending this cold and quiet evening alone and miserable. I wouldn't be writing this horrendously depressing entry on Christmas eve.

I would be happy.

Am I calling it too early? Will some form of "balance" eventually work towards my advantage, but it's just still too early to tell? Mayhaps. But at this moment, this is all I can see.

Still, just because I'm miserable doesn't mean that everyone else should be too. I want to wish everyone out there a very Merry Christmas. I hope you are all spending it with family and/or loved ones and having plenty of good cheer.

I certainly hope to join you all on that side next year :)

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Blue Christmas