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Tuesday, Nov. 20, 2007 @ 5:51 p.m.

Right around Thanksgiving every year, I get infused with this holiday mood. It's always been about fun, wining and dining, and spending time with people I loved/liked. This year however, there's a different meaning attached to it... a negative memory.

Last year's holiday season was quite a rocky one. I was still with French Fitch, but things were on the rocks by that time. He was moving out, and I was having a lot of trouble dealing with it... one one hand, he expected me to be happy that his dream of owning a house finally came through, but on the other hand, we weren't going to be living together anymore after almost three and a half years. It really dampened my holiday spirits, so the whole of December was very bittersweet.

This year, I can't help but be reminded by everything that happened last year. It was truly an end of an era. Following right along was January, when he went to France and cheated on me with that thing (whom he's living with right now, in the house that I helped design, furnish, and pay for). I'm guessing January will be a happy time for him and that thing, since it's their anniversary and all.

I wonder if this anniversary will be tainted in his mind... since it was also the day when he hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before. I was torn completely apart, and it took me nearly an entire year to finally start healing.

In a way, I hope that this anniversary of his will always be a tainted one for as long as they're together. I realize that it's very vindictive of me, but it will forever be an unrighted injustice committed against me. I truly gave everything that I had... but yet he ended up with everything, and I with nothing. I still have a huge debt on my credit cards that I don't think he will ever pay back. My credit rating has gone to shit, which might as well mean that my life has gone to shit.

But hey, that's they way life goes right? Some of us are the pigeons, and the rest of us are the statues.

It's still too early to tell, but I hope that New Guy doesn't turn out to be another pigeon. I need more crap on my head like I need the German measles.

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