The Brit

Saturday, Jul. 21, 2007 @ 3:33 a.m.

Yep, The Brit is all about the pleasures of the flesh and nothing else. Or so I heard from people who have known him for ages. Definitely nowhere near dating material.

What else could I have expected from someone whose occupation is making adult websites? I am so so so stupid. I mean... seriously.

I went into this fully aware of everything. He never expressed any explicit indications that our 'relationship' (if you can even call it that) was anything but sexual. But yet, I still somehow fell for him. Does a British accent really turn my brain into mush? Am I really that daftly vulnerable to trivial traits like this?? I'm in grad school earning a doctorate, fer' goodness' sake. How could I be so stupid at the same time?!??

He's more than a sexy accent, of course. He's very good looking, and actually a very nice and interesting guy. But still... I should have known better. If he'd liked me in a romantic way, then he'd have made it known. Hasn't my heart been put through the wringer enough after French Fitch? Why does it seem to keep deliberately putting itself out there, only to get trampled on?

I hate developing crushes on the wrong people. It's done nothing but made me sad thus far. But I just can't control it. The heart wants whatever it wants, like a spoiled brat. Logic is a foreign language to it.

I'm gonna stay in tomorrow night. Perhaps some distance would help me crush this crush a little quicker. Besides, I've been going out way too much. A few nights in would save me lotsa money, my liver, and most importantly... my heart.

I need to get over this crush, and if I succeed, I need to stop developing new ones for a loooonnnng time. Otherwise, I'm gonna go absolutely insane. If that means a long dry spell for me, so be it. There are so many much more important things to be concerned about.

I guess I just miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone think of me as the most important thing in the world, as much as I miss having someone to think of as such. I miss the affection and the intimacy so much that whenever I get some, my heart jumps the gun and creates the delusion that it's gonna blossom into what I'm missing the most. *Sigh*

I'm way too relationship-oriented for my own good. Sometimes I even wish I could be a cold and heartless ho-bag and have all the fun in the world without feeling anything. But I am what I am, and I've just gotta play with the cards I've been dealt with.

I heard the Stevie Wonder song, "For Once In My Life" on the radio yesterday. How I yearn for that to be my theme song someday.

For once in my life I have someone who needs me
Someone I've needed so long
For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know I'll be strongFor once I can touch what my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew
Someone warm like you
Would make my dreams come true

For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me
Not like it hurt me before
For once, I have something I know won't desert me
I'm not alone anymore

For once, I can say, this is mine, you can't take it
As long as I know I have love, I can make it
For once in my life, I have someone who needs me

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The Brit