A birthday dinner for a broken record

Tuesday, Apr. 03, 2007 @ 11:29 p.m.

I just came back from dinner at Koi, one of the most exclusive restaurants in LA (which usually requires reservations weeks ahead of time). It was wonderful - the place looks fantastic, and the food there is absolutely delectable. French Fitch took me there for my birthday. Which isn't for over another week, but he can't take me out then because That Thing is arriving this Thursday and will be staying for 3 months... or so he says.

This whole situation is just so twisted. Why did I say okay to French Fitch taking me out to dinner? Several reasons... (1) I'm still in love with him despite how he's totally screwed me over; (2) Him wanting to take me out means that he still cares, and I can't help but want to soak up every gesture which reflects that; (3) I really want him in my life, and I desperately want to get to the point where we can be great friends; (4) I've been wanting to go to Koi forever; and (5) I'm trying to see him as much as I can before That Thing gets here and French Fitch gets a catalyst to forget all about me and our relationship together and worse, how he royally screwed me over.

Yep, it's all totally twisted. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just having so much trouble letting go that I can't stand myself. I just keep holding tighter and tighter, and ending up feeling depressed. And when I do end up feeling depressed, I ask myself, "What did ya expect, rainbows and ponies??"

Then there's the anger. I'm so angry that I was the good guy who remained impeccably faithful and loving and dedicated all the way to the very end... but got so incredibly screwed over. While he - the antagonist in this story - ends up getting everything. He cheated and smashed my heart, but yet he got someone who's willing to move across the world for him and a new relationship to soften the edge of our breakup for him. It feels like everything that I did during our time together was nothing more than building the stage for That Thing to shine on. He got bored with me, which was the major reason why we broke up. Now, he's coaching himself with That Thing, trying to make sure that history doesn't repeat itself. Partly because of the emotional pressure of our break up, he came out to his family and friends, and now That Thing will get introduced as his lover, when I always had to be introduced as the friend or the house mate. Why do I get to be the training wheel?? Why can't I be the star instead of the stagehand?!?? If I was the good guy in this story and he was the villain (which he himself acknowledges), why does he get to ride off into the sunset, while I lie dead in a bloody pool???

I realize that I've gone on and on about this many times, but I can't help it. This sorrowful torture just keeps playing over and over and over again in my mind like a broken record. I acknowledge everything that I'm feeling, but I just can't get rid of them. I know that time will make me feel better, but it's moving by so slowly that I don't even feel any change. I still wake up each morning feeling sad and gloomy, and I still go to bed each night feeling miserable and lonely. I want to feel better. I want to wake up once again with a happy song in my head instead of looking at everyday life and asking "What's the point?". I really really want to. I don't enjoy moping around in such a pathetic mess. I hope each night that I would feel even slightly better when morning breaks... but when morning arrives, I wake up feeling no different from the previous day. I seriously hope I don't go insane.

I was just thinking the other day... what would they say when people ask them how they met? French Fitch met That Thing when he cheated on me with him while we were still together. That Thing met French Fitch, a man who was "married", when he slept with him. I'm pretty sure they won't be telling people the truth... but deep down inside, they'll forever know what really happened.

Sure, I'm the only person that came out of this with a clear conscience. I didn't do anything wrong at all, and I remained faithful till the very end. Sounds great and all...

... but a clear conscience still won't keep me warm on a cold and lonely night.

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A birthday dinner for a broken record