Longing

Sunday, Apr. 01, 2007 @ 1:29 p.m.

I miss French Fitch. Yes, that same old broken record.

I've been thinking a lot about him and the time we've shared together lately. The reason? The guy from Paris whom he cheated on me with (whom I shall henceforth call The Thing) is moving to the US next Thursday. Yep... it's happening. The Thing is moving halfway round the world just to be with my ex. And instead of feeling angry and going "I wash my hands off this entire mess", I'm missing French Fitch a lot. I don't think I've cried as much thinking about him ever since the weeks after we broke up. It's stirring up a lot of the dust that I thought had settled.

Because That Thing will be living with him, I obviously won't be talking to or seeing French Fitch for quite a while. It's not like we've been seeing each other a lot anyway, but we still talk on a daily basis. We still care a lot about each other. It's very unhealthy for me, I know... but I can't help the way I feel. I want him in my life so badly, that even if I cannot have him as my boyfriend, I will settle for being friends. Just like Bonnie Raitt sang "I can't make you love me", I can't make myself NOT love him.

But anyway, because my chances of seeing him will drastically change as of next Thursday, I wanted to hang out with him as much as possible this weekend. On Thursday, he came over to my place (where we used to live together) for dinner and a Tivo-ed episode of "Brothers & Sisters" (which we love). It was really nice spending time with him... reminded me a bit of the bliss that I experienced when we were together. Yesterday we went shopping, and after that I went back to his house to pick up the remaining stuff that I had left there. It was very emotional for me, because I once again realized that we really are no longer a couple. I told him everything that I had been wanting to tell him for a while... that as much as I despise how things turned out between us, I'm terrified of losing him in my life. A few times, I let my anger from his betrayal slip, and we argued a little... but I know that this was probably the last chance I would have to tell him everything on my mind.

At one point, I openly referred to that French guy as "The Thing" in front of French Fitch, and he laughed. He told me that I shouldn't call him that... and I told him that I will call him anything I want. I said that I refuse to call him by his name (which I don't even know and couldn't care less) because he has something that I want but couldn't have.

As soon as those last words came trickling out of my mouth, my eyes started welling up. I am clearly still in love with this man... and even though my anger should be directed towards French Fitch, I love him too much to do so... and as such, I deflect the blame to The Thing, which is easier to do.

Anyway, I spent about three and a half emotional hours there, and finally left around 10:30pm. I called Louis to chat later. He's had quite a similar experience with his ex Phil, which is why he is one person whom I could really talk to. Long story short: He and Phil fell crazily in love over 10 years ago, but it ended when Phil cheated on him. Louis has kept a journal since he was nine, and he read some old entries to me while I was there... The day he met Phil, how much in love they were, the first time they exchanged "I love you"s, some old love letters that Phil had written for Louis... it really reminded me of when I first met French Fitch and how incredibly happy we were.... which was then starkly followed by how all that is now gone.

I woke up today feeling a mixture of sadness, nostalgia, and yearning. I still cannot fully believe that my dream relationship is over. I read my older entries from 2003 and 2004, and I sounded so happy. I was cheerful, I was funny, I was so high on life. Contrast that to these days, when my entries are littered with sorrow, pain, bitterness, and the obsession over spilt milk.

I don't want to be such a downer. It's really not me. As Louis told me several times, I was jovial and always optimistic, which he thinks is my strongest quality. But these days I've become such a different person. I don't like who I've become. But I don't know how to snap out of it. It's as if only being in love can bring out the best of me, and now that I don't have that anymore, I'm like a drug addict going cold turkey.

I miss him so much that it hurts. Even after everything he's done to me, I would give anything to switch places with The Thing. Louis said that the arrival of The Thing may be the best thing for me. It forces me to cut off major communication with French Fitch, and I will finally have the cruel-but-necessary time out that I need to get over him.

But even if I do eventually get over him, the memories of the happiest ears of my life - the best relationship I've ever had - will still remain vaulted in my head. And as long as it remains there, I will forever be forced to look back at what could have been. It's like losing a loved one - you get used to life without that person eventually, but you can never really forget and get over it completely.

As of this moment, I don't know how I'm ever going to deal with that.

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