We'll see

Sunday, Mar. 11, 2007 @ 8:05 p.m.

I went on a "date" last night. Why the quote marks around the word 'date'? Because I'm very apprehensive to call it a real actual date, even though I recognize the fact that it probably was.

His name is Miguel (not his real name, of course). We met a couple of weeks ago, and we've been emailing and texting each other back and forth. In the beginning, part of my attraction to him was the fact that he was attracted to me, which after my breakup with French Fitch, was something that I really needed. But as we talked, I've come to know him as a really nice and down-to-Earth guy, and is actually very adorable. Though, he's a very private person, which makes him very hard to read at times.

Back to the quotes I put around the word 'date'. While I know that I have to move on, I'm scared shitless. A nagging voice at the back of my head keeps reminding me of French Fitch and telling me that it's way too soon for me to get involved with anybody. But on the other hand, I feel like I need to put myself out there, stop crying over spilt milk, and move on. My relationship with French Fitch was sheer heaven before it got all crappy at the end, but it's not going to come back. He has already moved on, and isn't bothering to make it a secret from me any longer. So why should I be the only one holding on to something that is impractical for all intents and purposes?

We went to dinner at a really nice restaurant, and went bar-hopping. He came back to my place, we fooled around, and he spent the night. It felt really good to have someone hold me while we slept. I missed sharing intimacy with someone else. I dropped him off this morning, and went back to my place to sleep even more 'cos we didn't exactly do too much sleeping.

Then I started feeling weird. I kept asking myself, "What the hell are you doing?". I felt guilty, but had no idea whatsoever of what I was feeling guilty about. Perhaps it's just the fact that I'm seeing someone for the first time since French Fitch. It's all so new, so foreign, and so not what I'm used to. I think it's the change that I fear, and this change involves me crawling out of my comfort zone of shutting myself at home every night watching crappy TV, crying over what could have been.

I like Miguel. I actually like him quite a lot. I need to tell myself to stop asking myself "Where is this going?" and just live in the moment. We've been taking it very slowly, and that's just what I need. If it develops into a relationship, then I'll deal with it then. If it fizzles out, then I'm no different from where I started, and it'll be fine. I need to just take the time to get to know him and let things progress naturally.

And I need to grow some balls to stop fooling myself by putting quote marks around "date" every time. I talked to Louis, and he thinks that I don't have a problem. He thinks that it's not too soon for me to start "dating" someone again. Between French Fitch and I, if any one of us deserves to move on before the other, it should be me, because I was the "good guy". He said that I should stop holding on to an illusion, and stop feeling ashamed just because I'm feeling better and starting to have fun once again.

Still, I don't exactly know why I feel weird. It's definitely got nothing to do with Miguel. It's my inner demons that nobody can fight but me.

I need to take things a day at a time and just stop freaking myself out by analyzing the future. Just live life myopically, and just go with the flow.

From now on, I'm going to train myself. Whenever that nagging voice in my head asks me "Where is this going? What are you doing?", I'll just answer "We'll see".

Navigate

Contact

Credits

We'll see