Further revelations

Sunday, Jan. 28, 2007 @ 12:58 a.m.

So it appears that there's more to what happened in Paris than French Fitch had revealed to me on that fateful day last week.

He came completely clean tonight. At least, I think he came completely clean. I've always thought that he would never lie to me... and I'm just not too sure about that anymore.

He slept with that guy more than once.

Yep... not only did he cheat on me once and realized that it was wrong, he went back for seconds. And thirds. And gawd knows how much more.

He met this guy on Tuesday, January 9th. Started taking a fancy to him. Slept with him on Thursday. Decided that he hadn't done enough to hurt me, so he spent the entire Saturday with him, screwing each other's brains out all day long.

I thought I was disappointed before... but man, I did not know the real meaning of disappointment until tonight.

I just don't see how he could have done something like that when he said that he still loves me. I don't. Perhaps sleeping with someone once, and regretting it, I can somewhat understand. But they went on a full-on romantic weekend extravaganza. If I even so much as kissed another guy while we were still together, I would have been so stricken with guilt to have done anything further. Just thinking of betraying French Fitch would have made my dick completely limp. But apparently, it didn't phase him one bit.

I'm just... mortified. I had started to recover a little since last Tuesday, but now all those feelings are rushing back to me.

I did everything that anybody would have dreamed of in a relationship. I remained completely faithful. I even gave up all my friends for him, because when we first met, his ex cheated on him (how nice of him to pass it on to me), and I burned all my bridges to give him no reason to doubt my commitment towards him. I became practically his servant at home, always making sure that the fridge is stocked with his favorite foods. Anything he wanted, I gave. All because I loved him, and all because I thought this was the perfect relationship. I thought he was the man I was going to grow old with.

Yet... this is what I got in return. He started developing feelings for this guy. He saw him for THREE days. And yet, those feelings were strong enough for him to have thought it worthwhile to throw our three-and-a-half-year relationship into the trashcan. Was I really not worth even a second's worth of thought and consideration? Have I really become THAT insignificant?

I don't know if I can ever trust anyone in a relationship ever again. It seems that no matter how much you give, you're never guaranteed anything. Even the person whom you trust the most in the entire world, whom you've completely devoted yourself to, will turn around and hurt you more than anyone else possibly can.

I feel like such an idiot. Such a complete fool. I gave him everything, and ended up not only with nothing, but got completely messed up. While he got the best of me... and apparently the best of someone else too in the process. I know that the reason he cheated on me was not the reason why our relationship failed. But I still deserved better than this. I deserved a dignified exit, if anything at all.

It's not worth being a good person in this world. It just isn't.

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