Seven days

Tuesday, Jan. 23, 2007 @ 9:21 p.m.

One week ago today, the greatest relationship I've ever been in ended. I wish I could say that I'm feeling much better now, but the truth is that I don't. Time seems to be crawling by so much slower than it ever did before.

I alternate between anger, sorrow, grief, and missing him about a million times a day. It's made me into such a pathetic wreck. Things would be so much easier if I simply hated him for cheating on me and breaking his promise to me. But I can't. I can't bring myself to hate someone I've loved for three and a half years, no matter how hard I try. It ended with him hurting me like nobody else ever has hurt me before, but it does not erase the rest of the relationship and the majority of the moments that were the most wonderful ones I have ever experienced. He is not an evil demon. Our relationship wouldn't have lasted for so long if he was. But I guess even the best person can make the worst mistakes.

Needless to say, not being able to hate him is making me feel even worse. But I've been trying to tell myself to not focus on his betrayal. I've been too afraid to admit it, but in actuality, things had started turning sour a long time ago. I read over my past entries, especially the ones that I wrote after he moved out into his own house. I was angry, I was frustrated, and I was disappointed. It exerted a huge strain on me... and on us. It wasn't as if the relationship was all great and smooth-sailing, then BOOM, one day the bomb dropped. There had been signs. There had been warnings. Plenty of them. But because I didn't know how to fix things, I swept them under the rug. I didn't want them to be true. And I actually thought that not acknowledging them would have prevented them from coming true. But just because you choose to wear a blindfold doesn't mean the world stops existing.

So in truth, the death of our relationship cannot solely be attributed to the fact that he cheated on me at the end. If you see a time bomb in your house and refuse to acknowledge its existence and disarm it somehow, you cannot blame it for exploding. Focusing my anger on the bomb for exploding, while tempting, is simply wrong.

Perhaps we were just never meant to be together forever like I thought we were. But I made the mistake of looking at our relationship as if were a romantic movie or a novel. The seredipitous circumstances under which we met each other, though seeming to have been something out of a romantic comedy, doesn't make our relationship a romantic comedy with the 'happily-ever-after' ending. I've watched too many movies. Life just doesn't work that way. I guess I had just been craving for that perfect dream relationship, and when things happened the way did, I thought this was it. But perhaps it simply doesn't exist. Even if it does... I guess this wasn't it.

Realizing that his betrayal wasn't why our relationship ended is actually comforting in a weird way. Maybe in my head, it reconciles how things turned out with the fact that French Fitch is not a demon... what psychologist Leon Festinger coined as 'cognitive dissonance' in 1956.

Nevertheless, it doesn't mean that I don't still feel devastated. I miss him so much. I want to tell him that I forgive him, and I want things to go back to the way it was. But then, I realize that history would have repeated itself. The real problem still wouldn't have been solved. Truth is, he lost interest in me... sexually. And since sex has always been very important to him, our relationship started deteriorating. I tried and tried, but it was just different. Even though I had never lost any interest whatsoever, the spark was gone for him. Us getting back together would not solve that problem. Me forgiving him for cheating on me would not solve that problem.

The only solution is what's going on right now. The only solution is to break up. This is what I've been so afraid of facing ever since things started to to turn sour between us... but I guess it's always been inevitable. I'm starting to accept it now.

Now, if only acceptance would take this pain that I'm feeling away.

French Fitch & I
July 12th, 2003 - January 16th, 2007

I'm really heartbroken to see you go. But even though I don't see it right now, I guess it's for the best.

Au revoir, mon amour.

Navigate

Contact

Credits

Seven days