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Urban Cadence

Fool

Saturday, Jan. 13, 2007 @ 2:04 a.m.

Living on my own again feels so foreign to me... although I've lived on my own before, everything just feels so unfamiliar.

And it feels so different from the last time I lived alone. I've changed... in ways that I still can't figure out. For one, I can't stop thinking about French Fitch... for the past three and a half years, every decision that I've made has taken him into consideration, right down to "Should I go to the supermarket?". Right now I have to almost convince myself with "Because you're living alone now and if you don't, you'll starve".

This "We're still together, but we're apart" limbo between French Fitch and I is getting tiresome. He's like a kid with a new toy with his house. Everything he wants to do, he wants to do it in his new house. I've spent a few nights over there, but he has yet to spend a single night over at my place... where we used to live together, and where he called 'home' for over two years. Sometimes, his bias really ticks me off. For instance, when we went for a haircut some time ago, I suggested that he came over to my place to take a shower to get rid of all the hair since the haircut place was literally a minute away. He agreed, but once he got here, he changed his mind because the shower 'was too dirty and disgusting' for him to take a shower in. That particular shower was used by him and only him when he still lived here. If it was 'dirty and disgusting', it was only because he left it that way... and he lived with it for two years!! And yet, now that he has a new place, everything is ghetto compared to his precious palace, that I think that to him, even a fart would smell like roses over there.

It's getting to be like if I want to see him, I have to go over to his new precious house... and if he wants to see me, I *still* have to go over to his precious house. He can't come over to my place, because even though he lived here until barely a month ago, this place is now so disgusting and beneath him. I hate to say it, but his attitude is really getting to me.

One of the purposes of him moving away was so that he can 'miss me more', which would rekindle the passion for me that he had lost (according to him). I've never understood the rationale behind that, and I probably never will... but what could I do? In a relationship, when one party wants to move a certain direction, no matter how the other party tries to convince him/her that it's wrong, it's futile... because his/her heart has already moved in that direction. So I had no choice but to just let it happen. Yet when I ask him occasionally if he misses me, he tells me to stop making him feel guilty. I have no intention of making him feel guilty whatsoever. The only reason he is feeling it is probably because there IS a reason he should be feeling it. I don't think this living situation is working at all, judging from his actions and attitude. Absence has certainly not made his heart grow any fonder.

I'm so tired of the whole situation. If I didn't love him as much as I did (and still do), I would have simply ended it, because I don't think he'll ever recover the passion that he felt for me during the first two years of our relationship. But being the fool in love, I simply cannot bring myself to do the severance, because I still revel in the small chance that things may change favorably, no matter how small it is. I know that it is a weakness, but there is nothing I can do about it except for letting it play itself out. Your mother can tell you a billion times to look both directions before crossing the street, but you'll never truly learn that lesson until you encounter a near-accident.

It took him practically no time at all to get over living with me for the past three years. I am extremely disappointed and angry over that. When he was first renovating and decorating his house, I was very removed from everything and reluctant to help, simply because that house represented a reason that drove us apart. He didn't get it, and still doesn't get it... saying that my nonchalant attitude has turned him off to me, and that I should have been happy with his house purchase since it was a dream of his. As if I should have supported him 100% in everything he did, even if it included putting distance between us. As if in the event that had to stab me with a knife in order to gain something, he would expect me to be happy about getting stabbed because it meant that he would have received that reward which was important to him. He doesn't understand the simple logic that I was unhappy because that house had no room for me, and meant that we had to live apart, which I was never in favor of. He doesn't get the fact that by deciding to move out to his own house and excluding me, he had already turned me off to him. Big time. And now, he just doesn't seem to realize the huge gaping hole that he has left in my life by moving out. When he came over to my now-empty apartment, instead of saying "Wow, it looks so empty", he says "Wow, now the whole place looks so much bigger!", as if his moving out brought such joy and good cheer to the both of us. As if since he moved away and has been extremely happy with the move, I should have experienced the same happiness.

What a way to bring the new year in, eh? I am the proverbial 'fool in love'.

If only that love were requited.


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