Sinking

Friday, Nov. 10, 2006 @ 11:27 a.m.

I've been away from this diary for so long, I wonder if I even have any readers left. Oh well, I needed time to be reclusive, and that's just what I got. It's my defense mechanism. Whenever I face adversity, I become reclusive. Not exactly the healthiest, but it works for me.

Things with French Fitch have been bittersweet, to say the least. I mentioned in a previous entry that he was moving out. But we're not breaking up. It's a weird situation in a relationship that is so new to me. It's scary and littered with doubt.

I'll try to make the story short, but here goes. We've been together for almost 3 and a half years now. Like any relationship, it begins hot and heavy, and eventually settles into a comfortable situation that I like to term 'companionship'. To me, I believe that's the natural course of a relationship - human beings have very short attention spans, and that 'hot-and-heavy, can't-keep-your-hands-off-each-other" thing doesn't last forever. Which is what has happened. As far as I'm concerned, I'm extremely content. But French Fitch says that he's gotten bored, and does not like the fact that we've gotten too comfortable.

I've tried to think about it for months now, but I still don't get it. What, would you rather be uncomfortable in a relationship?? We have built so much together over the past 3 years... and your 'boredom' speaks to you louder than that?

In any case, he's proposed that we move to separate places so that he can 'miss me more'. His reason for doing so is to save our relationship. He says that he doesn't want to be with anybody else, and this is the only method he knows that can bring the spark back into our relationship... a spark that he seems to have lost, but is still burning brilliantly within my heart. I was not keen on the idea, I'm still not keen on that idea, and I frankly don't think I will ever be. If you have emotional distance between two people, since when is piling physical distance onto it ever a solution? I don't get it.

We talked about it for a while, and because I was preparing for my MCAT exam at that time, we agreed to talk about it afterwards so that I can concentrate on that darn exam. At least, I thought that was the plan. But about a week before the MCAT, French Fitch had already bought a house. Not just any house... a 1.5 bedroom house that does not have room for me in it.

I understand that he wants us to be apart for a while, but I just can't get over the fact that he bought a house that does not offer any future alternatives to our situation. Let's say we live apart for 6 months, and we decide that we love each other too much to be apart. What then? I can't move into his place; there's no room for me. It's not a rental apartment, he can't just move to another place. It's not like a pair of shoes, he can't just return the house to the store and get another one. It's so permanent.

Naturally, I'm devastated. First of all, I never supported the moving-apart thing. He wanted to move. He bought a house. He's moving away despite my objections. He's getting a brand new house while I get to come home to an empty apartment. Why does he get to do everything he wants, and why do I have to deal with all the consequences?

He doesn't seem to completely understand why I'm feeling sad about the whole situation. He says that he still loves me, we're not breaking up, we're just moving apart for a while. But this is an end of an era for me. We've lived together ever since we met. This is not how relationships progress. People move in togther, not the other way around.

And he expects me to be happy to help him design and decorate the place. At first, I was very reluctant. To me, it feels like he's telling me "I'm going to marry someone else, but I want you to be happy for me and help me plan my wedding". But he told me that my reluctance offended him. To be fair to him, owning a house has always been a huge dream of his. I get that. But now that it's happened under such circumstances, I can't help but feel like he's stuck a knife in my heart and expecting me to be happy about it. I'm happy for him, but I just can't be happy with him. Is that so wrong? The issue is NOT that I'm not happy for his fulfilling his lifelong dream. Its is so not the case. My happiness for him has been diluted by the fact that we have to be apart in order for him to attain his dream. I've told him that before, and he says that he understands. But yet, he keeps telling me that he's disappointed in my reaction and lack of enthusiasm for his success. Does he really understand?

Am I being vindictive and selfish by feeling this reluctance to be completely happy about his new house? I've been searching for that answer the past few months. The house symbolizes the reason why he's moving away from me, and I can't help but channel my resentment towards that object. True, I love him with all my heart, and I support whatever he does. But what if one of the consequences of "whatever he does" is me getting hurt? Am I a selfish bastard for not being able to be that altruistic "as long as he's happy, I'm happy" person in the sad romance movies? And if I love him so much, why can't I be that person?

The real situation has many more facets than what I've written, but I can only write so much in so few words. I love him so much, that it's impossible for me to demonize him. He's a great person, which is the reason why I'm so deeply in love with him in the first place. But the day that he moves out of here is drawing nearer day by day. Each day, I feel my spirit slowly sinking and corroding away.

Is it really possible to be unconditionally happy for the person that you love?

Or am I really such a selfish person?

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