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Chance

Saturday, Oct. 01, 2005 @ 6:39 p.m.

I've been feeling a general lack of energy lately. I'm not exactly sure why. It's like I don't feel enthusiastic about anything anymore... especially about prospects for the future.

Perhaps I'm just really tired of thinking and freaking out about the uncertainties. Where will I be next year? Where will I be going to med school? Will I even be going to med school? Where will I be if I don't make it? What will I do?

I'm the sort of person who needs a plan for everything long-term. Some people just wing it, and make up their futures as they go along. I guess the word for me is 'insecure'. Yeah. As ugly as it sounds, I'm gonna have to admit that I'm very insecure. But how else should anyone in my situation expect to feel? You don't know if what you're doing is enough to get you where you wanna go. And there's absolutely no way of knowing. And a huge percentage of whether you end up where you wanna be or not lies in the hands of total strangers, who are free to pick on any teeny-tiny weaknesses of yours that they deem fit and disqualify you as such. And worst of all, it's "sudden death". If they turn you down, you will never ever know why.

What are you left with then? The "powers that be" have already turned your whole life as you know it upside down. Your hopes, your dreams, and the consequences that befall on you if such a situation happens. Some people face harsher consequences than other people. Unfortunately, I am in that "very harsh" category, for many reasons I won't go into details with. Long story short: I am fighting to get out of a particular situation, and if I should fail, the price to pay would be to ultimately forsake my self-identity. There is only one way out, and that happens to coincide with my ambition of going into medicine. So I literally have everything to gain if I succeed, and everything to lose if I don't. This may sound cryptic, but it's definitely not overly-dramatic... how I wish it were. Can things be even more screwed up than that?

I didn't choose to put everything in my life into a gambling chip and put it on either red or black on a roulette table. I don't wanna gamble. But I guess sometimes life just forces you to gamble. Life is shaped greatly by what you make it to be... unfortunately, there is also a big portion of it that us completely up to chance. You either have the cards or you don't, and there is nothing you can do about it.

There's a saying that goes, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade".

What happens then, when life gives you a big huge pile of crap?

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