Parachutes

Wednesday, Jul. 20, 2005 @ 12:08 p.m.

I've been so swamped, it's not even funny. And it's probably gonna be like that until after the #%$&ing MCAT. I have another four and a half weeks. On one hand, I want it to pass and be done with; but on the other hand, I want it to come very slowly because I'M STILL NOT READY!!!

I've had some sort of temporal regression at the back of my mind these past few days. I keep getting reminded of how I used to pass summer vacations (mostly, it involved endless days of video games). Last summer, it was Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance. I would play all day everyday without any reasons to feel guilty for wasting hours on end on the Xbox.

For so many reasons other than the MCAT, I wish so badly that I could go back in time and relive the past 2 years. Or even further back. I wanna be a kid again, and not have to worry about anything. The self-psychoanalysis: I fear the future, and these regressional thoughts are clear signs that I'm retreating from the progression of life. Like I've mentioned in quite a few previous entries, I'm pissing in my pants because my future is so utterly uncertain. Will I get a good score on the MCAT? Will I get accepted to the medical school of my dreams? If not, where will I end up? What will happen to my relationship with French Fitch if I'm forced to move? What will happen if I don't get accepted at all? I'm such an emotional wreck, it's been so easy for me to break down lately... which worries me, 'cos I haven't always been the sobful sort. And it's really unattractive.

*Sigh* I guess I only have one thing to do: Just press on, and try not to think beyond the MCAT for now. Which is so much easier said than done, 'cos you can't stop the mind from thinking what it wants to think. Just last night I dreamt that I was a kid again, hopping from ride to ride in an amusement park. Am I really so mentally fragile? All along I've always thought that I was stronger than this.

In any case, I have to press on. In so many ways, it feels like I'm jumping out of a plane at 30,000 feet, hoping that my parachute works. That's just the way life is, I guess.

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