"Ugly" is a four-letter word

Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 @ 5:55 p.m.

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. For a long time in my life, I just thought it was the right thing to say when a friend got depressed with his or her looks. It's almost supposed to be reflex answer.

"I'm ugly".

"No, you're not! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!"

Well, I don't believe that anymore now. Nobody is beautiful to everyone else, not even celebrities. True, some people may appeal to a larger mass than others, but it's never 100%. Whenever I hear or read about people drooling over a number of celebrities whom I think need facelifts, I try to see from their point of view, but it just doesn't come through for me. Here's a list of celebrities that I can't quite "behold", no matter how hard I try:

Josh Hartnett - I really don't know why girls swoon over him. He's tall, but I think his face is weird. And in a repulsive way too.

Julia Stiles - Good actress, maybe. That's all I can say.

Nicholas Cage - I think his face is only capable of showing that "Wooahhh!" expression that I think anybody who's stoned can do better.

Mark Wahlberg - Gorgeous body, but he's got a face like a manhole cover.

Catherine Zeta-Jones - I think that she's just simply plain at the most. Plain Jane. Not Hot Tamal� like every guy magazine raves. They're just paid to do that by the publicists.

Gwyneth Paltrow - I know that I'm not into women, but I know a sexy girl when I see one. And she's definitely not one, unless you're the kind of guy that likes humping on twigs. Plain-faced, stick-figured, and flat-chested. And very cruel too - who the hell names her daughter "Apple"?!? That poor child's gonna be junior high roadkill!

Adam Sandler - Whenever I think of him, my penis shrinks all the way back past my bladder into my kidneys. Sorry for that graphic, but... EEW.

Paris Hilton - Another so-so in the looks department. Great figure, true. She also only has one facial expression.

Nicole Ritchie - We all know she's only in the spotlight because of Paris Hilton (who's only in the spotlight because of her "accidentally released" home-made porno.)

Matt Damon - If I were a caricaturist, I'd draw him as a pig, 'cos that what his face reminds me of. I think it's the nose.

James van der Beek - I dunno what it is, but everytime I saw him on "Dawson's Creek", I felt like punching my TV screen. Why the long face? *snicker*

Justin Timberlake - Forget the wardrobe malfunction, his entire face is a malfunction.

Enrique Iglesias - Now new and improved without the mole, but still a whole lotta ugly. It matches his singing ability, I guess.

Leonardo DiCaprio - I think his face is what froze the ocean and sank the Titanic.

Antonio Banderas - Just because you're latin doesn't necessarily mean you're hot like you think you are.

All the gals of "Sex in the City" EXCEPT Kristin Davis ("Charlotte") - They're just alright, but definitely not hot nor sexy like they're portrayed in the series. Kristin Davis is adorable as hell, though.

Okay, I think that's long enough. I could probably keep going, but I won't, 'cos - believe it or not - I actually have something better to do. Like laundry.

*Ahem*

Yeah.

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"Ugly" is a four-letter word