Dear Dubya...

Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 @ 5:55 p.m.

Dear Mr. President,

So you're all about amending the constitution to ban gay marriage again. Seriously, that's the world's biggest problem right now. Nevermind the countless people you've killed by waging this stupid, unnecessary war of yours. Nevermind the fact that this country is in a record deficit, right after the last president brought it to a record surplus. Those are small problems compared to gay marriage. I swear, those damn gays... they're the children of Satan. If they get married, Hell will ascend on Earth, Godzilla will be unleashed, and it'll be the end of civilization. Very, very bad.

I mean, seriously, Dubya... WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE? It doesn't cost you anything. It's only marriage. We're not going to sit you down and force you to watch the wedding videos. We're not going to force you to watch us have sex over and over and over again. And we're sure as hell not going to ask that you take part in a gay wedding yourself... really wouldn't wish that on even my worst enemies. So why do you care??

Just because you "believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman"? Should this country be run only according to what you believe? If that's the case, I'm sorry... I just can't follow in your footsteps. I can't fight the fact that I know Africa is a continent, not a nation as you think. That people from Mexico do not speak "Mexican", just as you don't speak "American". And also, no matter how hard I try, I wouldn't be able to make myself choke on a pretzel like you did.

And if you're going to give me that "protect the sanctity of marriage" line again, I'm going to throw up. If you really believe that strongly in the sanctity of the marriage, then by all means, do it all the way. Criminalize adultery. Ban divorce. Sentence Bill Clinton to death with Monica Lewinsky... I'm sure what they have done is an "abomination" in Christ. And ooh, don't forget to make a constitutional amendment to stop the wedlock of complete strangers on reality television. Yes, marriage is sooo sacred in this country, isn't it?

If you want to use the bible argument, be reminded that the bible also says that slavery is okay, and that cutting your hair is an abomination. Unless you're prepared to enforce ALL of the "gospel truth" as the law, and not just the selected passages and sections that are advantageous to your own convenience, don't even think about it.

If you want to say that homosexuality is an "abomination of nature", and that sex between a man and a woman is the only "natural" and "biological" way to be, please subscribe to the Discovery Channel. Lions, monkeys and even insects engage in homosexual intercourse, and if that's not "natural" and "biological", I'm not quite sure what else is.

And above all, don't base everything on tradition. Just because it's the way your forefathers did it doesn't make it right. If you really want to do tradition, then bring back the law that permits slavery. Just how our forefathers did it four score and seven years ago. I'd sure like to see how THAT'D go down with the African American population.

Hate to break it to ya, Dubya... but gay marriage really doesn't affect you as much as you'd like to think. If you can't tell where all the bigger, more crucial problems in the world today are, then stick to learning how to eat pretzels without choking.

Remember now... bite, chew thoroughly, and THEN swallow. It's really not that complicated. If you learn to do it well I might just award you with a gold star! Oh, boy!

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